I Don't Want To

I sat at the front of the classroom, facing an entire class of Year 3 students, guiding them on their revision.

My eyelids threatened to shut. My body threatened to shut down. Yawn after yawn escaped from my mouth.

I felt so tired.

I thought he would be all right, up and running in no time. Had so much hope for that as I helped spread the word on Facebook. His brother messaged me and said his thanks, and I gave him so much hope that he’d be okay.

I could only sit down with my mouth agape for a good hour as I arrived at school to that piece of news.

I don’t want to have to endure goodbyes that come way too early. But I understand all of us, at some point in life, would have to experience that.

And if that’s the case, I don’t want to forever linger in the dark, cold and gruesome moments that ever existed in the first place. We are so much more than that, so much more so, that confining oneself to a minute space of misery seems horridly ludicrous.

I don’t want to stumble upon you and constantly wonder about your degree of animosity towards me. I don’t want to have to put a label of an enigma, in bold, on you when we’ve once felt compelled to share our deepest, darkest secrets, with no fear of judgment and consequences. I don’t want to ponder about the possibility of facing your deliberate animosity should I ever decide to strike up a simple “hello”. I don’t want to endure your hostility that radiates ever so strongly whenever we’re having a conversation, ESPECIALLY after an emotionally draining day like this. I don’t want to have to feel like a donkey running around the field headless when I have been trying to figure out what my next step is for the past few months. I don’t want to feel as though you’re questioning my every single step forward, so much so that sometimes I wonder if taking three steps backwards would be a better option.

I know you’re brilliant. I know you’re fucking brilliant. You’re an enigma of a superiority that is jaw-dropping. You’re so many things I could never be and my parents would DIE for me to be. I know all of that. And most of the time, I would be okay with that. I’m done with feeling useless. I’m done with feeling inferior. I’m done with looking at you as though I’m a dwarf looking up at a giant, feeling like my presence is redundant and unnecessary.

And you’re probably  definitely going to read this and go “what a wimp” “you’re dumb and useless” or something of the sort.

I’m done. I want to move on. I WANT to move on.

I feel so tired. I don’t want to. I really don't want to.

SPM Results Day: Just Getting Started

I managed to get a decent amount of sleep considering the circumstances that day. As soon as I woke up and it dawned on me it was judgment day, the grogginess disappeared and I instantly felt the butterflies in my stomach.

All the way through getting ready and heading to the car, I kept on moaning and groaning about how the absolute worst scenario might actually play out for real in less than an hour. I’m sure my incoherent self sounded a whole lot like I was constipating, but I swear, it was entirely involuntary.

“Quit being paranoid,” my twin brother said as we got into the car.

“And what do YOU know about the significance of things?” I cussed inwardly.

Frankly, it’s actually kind of hypocritical of me to say/think that, because I’m not sure I entirely do either. All I knew back then, was that I wanted a clean, otherworldly captivating set of results on my results slip…which, if you don’t know, means getting as many A+ as possible.

I had already heard seniors and uncles and aunts saying things along the lines of “it doesn’t matter, you’ve tried your best”, “you will do well for sure, you’re so smart”, “SPM is not THAT important” etc. But NO. I never bothered really taking those advices. No one knows how horrible my sciences are. No one knows that I didn’t actually prepare for SPM as well as I could have. No one knows that my preparations for certain subjects were so inadequate that I actually ended up cramping the only almost the entire Biology syllabus into my brain within TWO NIGHTS. No one knows how hard it is to nab A+ in language subjects. No one knows that I picked a really unconventional topic for my English essay and that alone was a huge risk. If you don’t know all these nitty-gritty, who are you to say I am guaranteed a splendid result?

And I was extremely insecure. So SO insecure, that I actually went and asked a few of my seniors about their SPM results to get an grasp of how things may pan out. I had this senior who I always thought was really intelligent and eloquent, yet he only scored two A+ in SPM. Just let that settle in, and bearing in mind how paranoid I was back in high school, imagine how that prospect absolutely had me in terror.

Hitz FM was on the radio while my mummy and I were on our way to my school (we had dropped off our brother at his own school), and JJ and Ean were recounting their SPM experiences from some time back. They mentioned about their results, and I thought “HOW DO YOU GUYS SURVIVE WITH ONLY 2As or 3As!!!”

We arrived in school and I held onto my mummy for dear life as we made our way to the basketball to retrieve my results slip. I wasn’t the first one there, so some of my classmates had already gotten their results. 9A+, 8A+, 8A+…they were the top students in class, so their results definitely weren’t a surprise. I prayed silently as I queued up, “PLEASE, DON’T let anything horrible happen…”

The prefect on duty handed me my results slip after I signed my name on the name list. This is it, I thought. Everything that I’ve worked for, it all came down to this. I held as my breath as I laid my eyes on it.

To this day, I still didn’t know how I felt exactly at that instant. I do remember comparing my results with some other top boys, and as I heard more and more of them get at least 7A+s, I felt a little numb, then a surge of dejection washing over me.

I saw smiles everywhere. I faked one, too. Photos were being taken every corner of the court. I made it a point to not be in any of them. Mummy was happy with my results, I straight up told her I was ambivalent.

I just wanted to head home and sulk for the rest of the day.

After group photos and a little bit of catching up, we did just that. I remember being on the phone with a senior on our way back, and he was advising me about how I should plan my next step and all. And that’s when it dawned on me.

“What now?”

…………

If you’re reading this and you’re about to get YOUR results, you can choose to hear me out here.

You can feel confident. (What’s wrong with being confident?) You can just say “fuck it, I don’t care anyway” too.

You can also feel paranoid. You can be absolutely terrified of the fruition of a nightmare. You can be horridly afraid, that you forget how to breathe as you inch closer to judgment time. In my case, if you’ve done consistently well over the course of your five years in high school, you should definitely know what it feels like to have that sort of expectation not just from the people around you, but mostly, yourself.

And it’s okay to be stressed out. You’ve worked goddamned hard to endure a grueling period of time to fulfill your obligation as an examination year student. That alone is a commendable feat.

But remember this, no matter how your results turn out to be, IT IS NOT THE END. You won’t get rich and famous if you nab straight A+, and you won’t be labeled as a failure in life if you don’t get any A+ at all. IT IS NOT THE END.

It took me a full year to realize that I wanted a splendid set of results for SPM to boost my own ego, and that SPM at the end of the day, is so insignificant once you’ve moved on to college or university.

Your life doesn’t stop once you get back home after receiving your results. You still have SO FAR ahead of you.

If you’ve done well, congratulations. Otherwise, commiserations. Either way, learn from this, and take that next big step forward to greater things in life. You’re only just getting started.

Good luck. May the mass times acceleration be with you. :)

Decided after I reached home that my results was worthy of a celebratory photo.

SPM 2013: 6A+, 3A, 1A-.