Maybe you did see me. Maybe I did catch your eye.
I just didn’t catch your attention.
I confided in a few people about this whole ordeal. I even
dedicated a piece of writing here to detailing every ounce of emotion I felt
with regards to this. It was lofty and dramatic, perhaps unnecessarily so. And
it does hurt knowing that both these outlets would always end with answers that
unequivocally implore my pathetic self to face the music, that your interest
simply wasn’t piqued that way. But I guess it was ultimately somewhat
necessary: it urged that I turn the page and look elsewhere.
And I did that. For months, I have convinced myself that
with you, my interest and affection had no basis for requitement to begin with,
and dwelling on it would entail zero results. I spent substantial time telling
myself, after sighing at my wishful thinking, that it would only remain as
such, no matter how fervently I had hoped for it to be so much more than that. It
would be yet another mini-episode in a long series of fruitless encounters and
unrequited crushes. It would suck no less, but it had already become a norm at
this point, that it shouldn’t hurt. It wouldn’t.
…Would it?
I managed to shelve all such thoughts at the back of my
consciousness. Cordialness was always present between us. It just wasn’t the
same anymore. I watched you as you charmed everyone without even realizing it, and
grew even closer with members of “the gang”. I watched as I slowly began to
gradually feel the animosity coming from people within, specifically one of
them. You unofficially become a part of their squad; I found mine. It felt more
and more as though we were settling in two separate paradigms, with the minimal
encounters we had precipitating in the form of a photo.
I was perplexed. What was it that I did that could’ve
generated that kind of animosity? What in the world did I do? Am I too flamboyant
that it’s dismal? Was I rude to you? I’ve spent countless nights seeking
answers to that, only to end up sinking deeper into confusion and frustration.
It was weighing me down…unnecessarily so. I refuse to let
these questions linger in my brain constantly and weigh me down. I decided,
that if there wasn’t a mutual wish to mend things, I wasn’t going to put forth
one-sided effort, or even dwell on it. I stayed distant…deliberately acted
cold. I couldn’t handle being cordial, only to be scorned in return. I would
not be that dumb.
I watched from a distance as you two grew closer…then almost
inseparable. And I’ll admit to having hints of jealousy at the sight of that.
And I probably should’ve picked up on that and come to a
realization. ‘Cause it all makes complete sense right now.
It came from the unlikeliest of people. And I was
dumbfounded. For so long I had held on to that resolute assumption, and to have
it be completely dismantled came as a shock I did not foresee.
“Really?...Really?” I couldn’t stop asking myself. How was
it that I was so deep in oblivion? Was I just too afraid of wishful thinking,
expectation, rejection? Did all of those drive me to rid all blind hopes altogether?
And more likely than not, I had no chance to begin with. I
see why: I had no chance at comparison. I’m different; I’m everything that’s
generally frowned upon. I’m usually unapologetic about it…not right now. No, I’m
drowning in questions about myself, and seriously pondering if I’ll ever be ‘good’
or ‘normal’ enough to escape such a consistent recurrence.
I now also understand how the animosity came about. I can’t play
the blame game: there were justifications. I probably would have reacted similarly.
It’s unfortunate, yet can’t be helped.
I’ll keep my distance – I simply have no other options. I
refuse to be labelled a home wrecker.
It sucks. It sucks even more knowing this had a basis of
requitement to begin with. That it had the potential to blossom into something.
Then again, maybe there was neither a basis nor any
potential. Maybe (most possibly), it all came to just be fairytales in my head.
They were sweet and magical, and I enjoyed them immensely.
But now that it’s hurting back twice as severely, it’s time to put them to an
end. It’s time to have it ingrained in my skull, that despite everything, it
still wasn’t me.
I really didn’t need this to happen right now. Scars from a
month ago are still fresh and stinging. This only served to add more salt to
them. I reeeaally didn’t need that.
Alas, c’est la vie.
