The boat rode steadily across the ocean, waves splashing
outwards from both its sides along the way. The breeze caressed faces of the tourists
on the boat, like a gentle welcoming gift from Mother Nature herself. Surrounding
the boat was a picturesque depiction of the perfect blend between the ocean and
the sky, along with sturdy mountains that beautifully complemented the scenery.
I took in this gorgeous view that was presented before me. I
could not hide the amazement I felt as I look around in awe.
Then I looked down at my lap.
You were lying down, head on my lap, eyes shut, peacefully
napping away. I gasped.
That view rivalled the glorious scenery Mother Nature had
graciously presented before us.
I placed my one hand on top of yours on your chest, while
the other gently caressed your cheek as you slept peacefully. I can’t remember
how long that lasted, but in that moment, I felt an approximation of what “perfection”
would be like if it ever existed. It felt liberating. I felt happy…genuinely
happy. I wished time would just freeze at that point, so happiness would be
last forevermore.
Alas, life is nothing like a fairytale. As soon as our “honeymoon”
ended, we were greeted with a painfully stinging dose of reality. Someone had
to send screenshots of our photos to your family. The repercussions were
abysmal. The emotional trauma hit you and I like a lethal lightning strike. You
had to salvage the situation, and I was left behind, crippled with worry every
single day of your well-being. We were both severely affected but I held on to
that glimmer of hope, that we would wade through this storm just fine.
That glimmer of hope grew dimmer and dimmer. I was forced to
face the inevitable. Blood is thicker than water, you said. I could not have
possibly been chosen over family. And I completely understand. But it still
hurts. It hurts that despite being madly in love with each other, circumstances
had to come in between. It hurts that God is ripping happiness away from my
soul after what was the most joyous month I’ve had in a long while. I honestly
believe this is God’s way of telling me that I’m a horrible person, and that I
don’t deserve happiness.
I bawled my eyes out through three phone calls. I haven’t
cried this hard in years. You said I would get through this. How? How do I
process having my significant other ripped away from me instantly after what
was supposed to be a joyous escapade together? How do I process you deciding to
conceal yourself and live a lie to appease family? How do I process this
repercussion of ignorance and intolerance that’s tearing my soul into bits?
You said I made you the happiest you’ve been in a really
long time. I can only hope I did, because the amount of joy you’ve regenerated
in my life is unparalleled. I started off this semester in such a horrible
state both mentally and physically, and then you came along, and made me revel
in true happiness all over again. In such a short period of time, you’ve
changed my life in more ways than one. I can never be thankful enough for all
that you’ve done for me.
So many things I’ll never be able to forget: our unorthodox
first date at the hostel cafeteria on a drizzling Wednesday afternoon. The
smile on your face everytime I brought you your favourite caramel macchiato during
work breaks. Our frequent Starbucks and McDonald’s dates where we both just sat
and completed our assignments. Discovering food together at various places near
campus during our free time. You surprising me on my birthday in McDonald’s
with cakes and balloons. Our slow dance in the club. Our “honeymoon”. My lips
on yours. My hand on yours as we drive around the island. Your face, and the
little things that made what we had special.
I’m broken. Completely broken. I don’t know what to feel. My
mind is drawing blank. I’m emotionally drained from all the crying. I wish this
was only a nightmare that I could wake up from. It pains me to no end.
But you’ve made your choice. An understandable one. And I
respect that. I only ask for you to never live a lie. I cannot bear the thought
of you going through with that and be miserable just for the sake of others. I
beg of you to always stay true to your heart and be you.
I refuse to believe we have come to an end. If you ever
change your mind (and I hope to God you do), I’m waiting for you. Allow me to
hold on to this foolish perseverance, for you are one amazing human being, and
I’ll never find anyone as amazing as you are.
I love you. I love you. It’s freezing in my room as I am
typing this, and I wish you were here to envelope me in your warmth and
radiance.
I will always love you, monkey.
I will patiently (albeit foolishly) wait for a miracle – a change
of heart.
But until then, I will always love you.
…………
