Goodbye & Good Luck

I’d like to dedicate blog post numero uno to a special someone who was once very special in my life.

……

Technically this isn’t our first time parting ways.

The first time we bade farewell, I remember very vividly like it just happened yesterday. It was the day of the GRAMMYs. The entire morning in school, I probably looked like someone killed my puppy. My teacher noticed something was amiss when she found me sitting alone in the classroom during recess. I assured her I was fine, when in reality, I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact that you were leaving, and that I wasn’t going to see you for at least a year.

I got back home, showered and had lunch at lightning speed, then headed to the bus stand. Come to think of it, timing worked out as perfectly as it could have been. The bus came very shortly after, and about an hour and a half later, I was there at the airport. I sort of wandered aimlessly and wondered if you’d actually arrived, but then I spotted you and felt a surge of relief washing over me. Even more relieving was that I was the first one there. You don’t know how glad I was to be able to have a one-on-one moment with you before your friends and colleagues came flooding in. I had previously debated on whether or not I should be there in the first place, not wanting to feel like a complete outcast in the sea of people who would be present like I exactly did then. But everything eventually came down to you. And if I could see you one last time before you left, all else were insignificant. 

You cried before you departed. I cried ten times harder into my mummy’s shoulders when I got back. Mummy hadn’t seen me break down like that in a long, long time. Not since I was ten or something. She probably was shocked, but just allowed me to let everything out despite the apparent incoherence. She comforted me by reminding me that soon enough, we would meet again.

And I always believed we would. After all, Taylor Swift lost all of her GRAMMY nominations. And that meant I owed you dinner…and still do.

The second goodbye was also memorable…for all the wrong reasons. It happened over the phone on Whatsapp. I knew it was imminent. Like a bomb that was going to explode at any moment. Maybe things just fizzled out. Maybe I didn’t make as much of an effort initially to maintain communication. Maybe you wanted to get back at me for that by being cold and spiteful when I did put in the effort later on. Maybe we were both fools. Maybe we were both at fault. I could list out a hundred ‘maybe’s that led to what happened but it would be unnecessary. It happened, period. But knowing it was imminent didn’t make it hurt any less. If anything, hanging in there for as long as I did and knowing we were THIS close to seeing each other again made it all the more devastating.

I lost my motivation to prepare for my repeats. I wondered a lot about what could and should have been. I made it a point to be angry (at you, especially) because I really wished you would have just come clean with me when your heart wasn’t in it anymore. I promised myself, the night before my birthday at the park, that that would be the last tear I shed for you. I became unnecessarily aggravated when you didn’t wish me a happy birthday when you said you wanted us to remain as friends.

Things got ugly between us. We were spitting venoms at each other. I often wondered if knowing you was one thing that should’ve never happened.

Part of me though still held on to the little belief, that maybe when the coast cleared, we would be able to see each other again and hang out…on good terms.

I just recently found out about your news on Twitter. Granted, the two farewells that preceded this one hurt infinitely more. This time though…I feel as though I’m saying goodbye for good.

My initial reaction? Sad? Angry? Disappointed? Honestly, no. A little shocked, maybe…but nothing extravagant. Perhaps I’d always thought that at some point in the future when you came back, we would be able to meet up and all. It just never occurred to me that you moving permanently would even remotely be a possibility.

Then again, don’t most humans make the same mistake? Take things for granted, only to realize later on, that nothing really lasts forever?

“Love is so short, forgetting is so long.” Our love accelerated from zero to 100 very rapidly in the beginning. We enjoyed the thrill of this roller coaster ride. But we eventually lost control of our vehicle, crashed and burned. Loads of factors led to this…but would I ever take anything back? 

Truthfully, no. Because in the midst of our roller coaster ride, you’ve taught and given me so much. You epitomize responsibility and drive in a way that can never be paralleled. You’ve handled (or tolerated) my sometimes insufferable self like a pro. You’ve given me so much love and support through the good and bad (remember when my mummy went gaga after I asked her if I could go on a one-day trip to KL with you?). You’ve shown me that despite the obstacles, with dedication and hard work, nothing is impossible.

You always mentioned about how you needed to work infinitely harder to prove people wrong. I just hope you know, that you are anything BUT a disappointment. You’ve accomplished so much, what is there of you that is to be looked down at? (ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.)

And who knows what the future holds? Maybe we would meet again. (I still owe you dinner, anyway.) Maybe we’d look back at all the times we shared together, and laugh at all the stupid little moments that once defined our tiny universe.

Till then, I will look back at the two short but magical months we spent together…and reminisce the moments where you made me feel like the luckiest boy in the entire universe.

Till then…goodbye. And good luck.