Eat, work, sleep. Eat, work, sleep.
My life has been fixated to this schedule daily. Counting my
paid job out, I’ve been pretty much sedentary, unproductive and…well, lonely.
Which is technically strange, because you’d think being surrounded
by kids would add colours to my blank canvas.
It did, for a while. I remember feeling tired at the end of
every working day, yet waking up the next day feeling energized and excited to
take on whatever was in store for me. I remember looking at the smiles on those
kids’ faces, remembering them when you’re at home, and they’d unknowingly bring
a smile to my face too. It was great. Things were great.
But lately, more than anything, I’ve been feeling trapped.
It’s like I’m developed an immunity towards what used to bring me subtle joy
and doses of energy. I’ve found myself desperately counting down till the clock
strikes six while I suffer through getting disobedient kids complete their
schoolwork, and I’ve come back home after work every single day feeling drained
and lethargic, and nothing else.
Thing is, I’d be perfectly okay with all that, if there was
a group of friends (maybe even just a single friend) that I can hang out and
vent with. Remember those times in high school where you don’t give two hoots
about how crazy and obnoxious your surrounding classmates are, because you had
that close group of buddies that you simply just click with? And how you’d
dedicate much of your time chatting about random stuff, or even let each other
in on our darkest secrets and insecurities?
I had that. But now, I don’t even know if we’ll ever be able
to cordially sit down and have a cup of coffee and Starbucks anymore. I swear
it’s as if drifting apart is the norm for modern day friendships.
Most of my friends are out doing their own thing, hanging
out with their respective cliques in university or colleges. Some already have
a definite plan sorted out and is just living life as they please. And then
there’s me, dreading every single day about callbacks for interviews and
whether or not I’ll be able to secure a spot in my ideal university. The
thought of actually heading out from the peninsula to the other side of the
country for university is wildly daunting. I cannot tell you how much I berate
myself every day for filling in a Sarawak university as my second choice for my
uni placement…
But I digress. Point is, and I hate to admit it, but this
loneliness is kind of eating me up and it sucks. I did mention I’d be okay
being alone, but goddamnit, no one in the right mind would ever wish to stay
alone and feel lonely till the end of time.
And so I’ve found myself holding on to connections I’ve
managed to forge under very random circumstances. It’s gotten to a point where
I would cherish them so dearly that it scares me. It scares me to know that
this in turn would scare them away because I’m “coming on too strong”. And I
never do want to give off that pushy vibe. I don’t want anyone to ever feel
pressured. Yet, when you find yourself in a midst of something that feels so
right, you naturally hang on to them for dear life, for fear of them slipping
away.
My previous post touched on an unlikely encounter that never
materialized. Just a few days back, another encounter happened. Only this time,
it wasn’t merely a full on crush. Our conversations had substance, and I was
really fortunate to have received so much information about work in the media.
As a person who aspires to pursue a career in the media, it couldn’t have
happened at a more perfect time. Now I know so much more, and I can start think
about what exactly I want to accomplish while at that. It’s really piqued my
interest and passion to chase after that seemingly elusive career.
But it stretches waaaayyy beyond that. When I say we
clicked, I mean it wholeheartedly. Last time I’ve felt the same connection this
early on with someone was when I first started chatting with my ex. Not saying
this connection is ever going to materialize or be anything beyond what it
already is, but when you do find a connection as profound and resounding as
this, you’d be a fool to not cherish it.
And cherish it I will. I don’t know if I’m appearing as “coming
on too strong”. I don’t know how the other person actually feels about me after
two days of messages back and forth, or if my ever present clingy-ness is
sensed by the other party. And I’m afraid that this might turn out to be exactly
like what happened last time around, despite assurances that it won’t happen. You
never really know for sure. But for as long as I get to have this, cherish it I
will.
…And you. 对，就是你。If ever by any chance you stumble
upon this…thank you. Thank you for adding a few more shades of colour to my
canvas. From the bottom of my heart, I really really really do appreciate it. J
