Holding On To Colours

Eat, work, sleep. Eat, work, sleep.

My life has been fixated to this schedule daily. Counting my paid job out, I’ve been pretty much sedentary, unproductive and…well, lonely.

Which is technically strange, because you’d think being surrounded by kids would add colours to my blank canvas.

It did, for a while. I remember feeling tired at the end of every working day, yet waking up the next day feeling energized and excited to take on whatever was in store for me. I remember looking at the smiles on those kids’ faces, remembering them when you’re at home, and they’d unknowingly bring a smile to my face too. It was great. Things were great.

But lately, more than anything, I’ve been feeling trapped. It’s like I’m developed an immunity towards what used to bring me subtle joy and doses of energy. I’ve found myself desperately counting down till the clock strikes six while I suffer through getting disobedient kids complete their schoolwork, and I’ve come back home after work every single day feeling drained and lethargic, and nothing else.

Thing is, I’d be perfectly okay with all that, if there was a group of friends (maybe even just a single friend) that I can hang out and vent with. Remember those times in high school where you don’t give two hoots about how crazy and obnoxious your surrounding classmates are, because you had that close group of buddies that you simply just click with? And how you’d dedicate much of your time chatting about random stuff, or even let each other in on our darkest secrets and insecurities?

I had that. But now, I don’t even know if we’ll ever be able to cordially sit down and have a cup of coffee and Starbucks anymore. I swear it’s as if drifting apart is the norm for modern day friendships.

Most of my friends are out doing their own thing, hanging out with their respective cliques in university or colleges. Some already have a definite plan sorted out and is just living life as they please. And then there’s me, dreading every single day about callbacks for interviews and whether or not I’ll be able to secure a spot in my ideal university. The thought of actually heading out from the peninsula to the other side of the country for university is wildly daunting. I cannot tell you how much I berate myself every day for filling in a Sarawak university as my second choice for my uni placement…

But I digress. Point is, and I hate to admit it, but this loneliness is kind of eating me up and it sucks. I did mention I’d be okay being alone, but goddamnit, no one in the right mind would ever wish to stay alone and feel lonely till the end of time.

And so I’ve found myself holding on to connections I’ve managed to forge under very random circumstances. It’s gotten to a point where I would cherish them so dearly that it scares me. It scares me to know that this in turn would scare them away because I’m “coming on too strong”. And I never do want to give off that pushy vibe. I don’t want anyone to ever feel pressured. Yet, when you find yourself in a midst of something that feels so right, you naturally hang on to them for dear life, for fear of them slipping away.

My previous post touched on an unlikely encounter that never materialized. Just a few days back, another encounter happened. Only this time, it wasn’t merely a full on crush. Our conversations had substance, and I was really fortunate to have received so much information about work in the media. As a person who aspires to pursue a career in the media, it couldn’t have happened at a more perfect time. Now I know so much more, and I can start think about what exactly I want to accomplish while at that. It’s really piqued my interest and passion to chase after that seemingly elusive career.

But it stretches waaaayyy beyond that. When I say we clicked, I mean it wholeheartedly. Last time I’ve felt the same connection this early on with someone was when I first started chatting with my ex. Not saying this connection is ever going to materialize or be anything beyond what it already is, but when you do find a connection as profound and resounding as this, you’d be a fool to not cherish it.

And cherish it I will. I don’t know if I’m appearing as “coming on too strong”. I don’t know how the other person actually feels about me after two days of messages back and forth, or if my ever present clingy-ness is sensed by the other party. And I’m afraid that this might turn out to be exactly like what happened last time around, despite assurances that it won’t happen. You never really know for sure. But for as long as I get to have this, cherish it I will.

…And you. 对，就是你。If ever by any chance you stumble upon this…thank you. Thank you for adding a few more shades of colour to my canvas. From the bottom of my heart, I really really really do appreciate it. J