It Wasn't Me

Maybe you did see me. Maybe I did catch your eye.

I just didn’t catch your attention.

I confided in a few people about this whole ordeal. I even dedicated a piece of writing here to detailing every ounce of emotion I felt with regards to this. It was lofty and dramatic, perhaps unnecessarily so. And it does hurt knowing that both these outlets would always end with answers that unequivocally implore my pathetic self to face the music, that your interest simply wasn’t piqued that way. But I guess it was ultimately somewhat necessary: it urged that I turn the page and look elsewhere.

And I did that. For months, I have convinced myself that with you, my interest and affection had no basis for requitement to begin with, and dwelling on it would entail zero results. I spent substantial time telling myself, after sighing at my wishful thinking, that it would only remain as such, no matter how fervently I had hoped for it to be so much more than that. It would be yet another mini-episode in a long series of fruitless encounters and unrequited crushes. It would suck no less, but it had already become a norm at this point, that it shouldn’t hurt. It wouldn’t.

…Would it?

I managed to shelve all such thoughts at the back of my consciousness. Cordialness was always present between us. It just wasn’t the same anymore. I watched you as you charmed everyone without even realizing it, and grew even closer with members of “the gang”. I watched as I slowly began to gradually feel the animosity coming from people within, specifically one of them. You unofficially become a part of their squad; I found mine. It felt more and more as though we were settling in two separate paradigms, with the minimal encounters we had precipitating in the form of a photo.

I was perplexed. What was it that I did that could’ve generated that kind of animosity? What in the world did I do? Am I too flamboyant that it’s dismal? Was I rude to you? I’ve spent countless nights seeking answers to that, only to end up sinking deeper into confusion and frustration.

It was weighing me down…unnecessarily so. I refuse to let these questions linger in my brain constantly and weigh me down. I decided, that if there wasn’t a mutual wish to mend things, I wasn’t going to put forth one-sided effort, or even dwell on it. I stayed distant…deliberately acted cold. I couldn’t handle being cordial, only to be scorned in return. I would not be that dumb.

I watched from a distance as you two grew closer…then almost inseparable. And I’ll admit to having hints of jealousy at the sight of that.

And I probably should’ve picked up on that and come to a realization. ‘Cause it all makes complete sense right now.

It came from the unlikeliest of people. And I was dumbfounded. For so long I had held on to that resolute assumption, and to have it be completely dismantled came as a shock I did not foresee.

“Really?...Really?” I couldn’t stop asking myself. How was it that I was so deep in oblivion? Was I just too afraid of wishful thinking, expectation, rejection? Did all of those drive me to rid all blind hopes altogether?

And more likely than not, I had no chance to begin with. I see why: I had no chance at comparison. I’m different; I’m everything that’s generally frowned upon. I’m usually unapologetic about it…not right now. No, I’m drowning in questions about myself, and seriously pondering if I’ll ever be ‘good’ or ‘normal’ enough to escape such a consistent recurrence.

I now also understand how the animosity came about. I can’t play the blame game: there were justifications. I probably would have reacted similarly. It’s unfortunate, yet can’t be helped.

I’ll keep my distance – I simply have no other options. I refuse to be labelled a home wrecker.

It sucks. It sucks even more knowing this had a basis of requitement to begin with. That it had the potential to blossom into something.

Then again, maybe there was neither a basis nor any potential. Maybe (most possibly), it all came to just be fairytales in my head.

They were sweet and magical, and I enjoyed them immensely. But now that it’s hurting back twice as severely, it’s time to put them to an end. It’s time to have it ingrained in my skull, that despite everything, it still wasn’t me.

I really didn’t need this to happen right now. Scars from a month ago are still fresh and stinging. This only served to add more salt to them. I reeeaally didn’t need that.

Alas, c’est la vie.

I’ll be fine. I have to be. Just give me a night or two…maybe a week.

............

“她真幸福……幸福得真残忍。”

Faded

It’s over.

Everything that had been magical, enchanting and invigorating…it all faded, dissipated, slowly, then all at once.

I saw it coming, in all fairness. When the flames grew smaller and the sparks started to fizzle out, I had an inkling, that the inevitable was nearing. My love-struck self, however, insisted it was worth holding out for, if the flame was all that I had to cherish dearly, and even if it was dying out.

I’m not angry; I can’t be. I wanted honesty, you gave me that. It hurts beyond belief, but sugar-coating or hiding anything would make the pain infinitely worse. That in itself is a consolation: the tumour of heartache was uprooted before it could manifest and consume my entire being.

If anything, I should be happy. I should be happy that you decided it’s in everyone’s interest to stay loyal, and I should be happy for him that you’ve gotten around to realizing that, even if it came at the expense of the elusive “what could have been”.

Could it have been something? Had I met you first, would we be continuing on this chapter of the story instead of arriving at such an abrupt and bruised closing? Could it have been a start of an indescribable journey that so many desire, yet so few get?

Alas, we’d never find out. And right now, my heart is breaking, bleeding, weeping… I feel my body enveloped in heartache and I can’t stop thinking about everything that could have been. It’s hard. It’s even harder after a rough week of re-adjusting to a new semester in university, deciding to switch minors, as well as dealing with crumbling friendships that once seemed so impenetrable. It’s only been a week yet the stress has worn me down dramatically. It’s hard. It really is.

But I’ve been through this. And I’m stronger than this. I won’t let my ache-filled heart consume me. I had such a great semester last year, I refuse to let this week set the tone for how this semester is going to be like.

I’m aching. I’m aching like a butterfly who just had its wings ripped off of with brute force. It’s overwhelming, but I’ll bounce back. I’ll stay hopeful, for the next right person to come along.

For now…just give me a night to process everything.

Maybe two.