Date Night

"When are you going to tell me where are you? I'm hungry"

I had just gotten my medicine from the pharmacy, and was making my way out to the main entrance of the mall when his text message came through my phone.

He had to be arriving any time now, I thought. That was enough to leave my heart bursting in a concoction of nervousness and excitement.

I leaned at the wall near the side of the entrance. A mere 15 seconds later, I looked into the swarming crowd, and his vibrant, almost blinding megawatt smile glided swiftly towards me.

His effortless sharpness was mesmerising. His dark grey polo tee fit snugly on his athletic build, accentuating his youthfulness that was so adorable. Couple that with the assertiveness and confidence he has learnt to wear so well, and you get a wholesome visualisation of what Casual Friday ought to look like. Images of him looking dapper in office wear during the rest of the weekdays began filling my brain - they were tantalising, and I hope to witness that in person one day.

I flashed a smile at him that I hope appeared almost as casual and confident. With a motion with my head to head upstairs, we walked side by side, and man, those loverboy jitters that eluded me for two years came rushing back.

Gosh, it hasn't even been three weeks. I missed him...*much* more than I thought I had.

............

It wasn't the best of days at work, he told me as much over texts in the afternoon.

The teasing and joking slowed, and I figured it was time to broach the subject.

"Do you wanna finally tell me about your day?"

His hesitation persisted initially. My persistence slowly chipped away at that wall of protection he's accustomed to putting up. Feelings began being articulated, and I listened to every word, not with an intent to resolve, but merely unload a baggage.

It was ironic, yet deeply relatable to me: wearing that confidence for everyone in your circle is often exhausting, not just because that's an expectation you're subjected to by everyone, but more so because you're constantly trying to convince yourself in vain that you're worth it, that you're good enough. Our self-deprecating tendencies disallow from us from ever being complacent, yet in achieving whatever we have achieved, we lose ourselves in overflowing self-doubt and negativity. The worst part of it all is perhaps knowing that this is ultimately a life-long personal battle. People could give you all the assurance in the world, yet it would all mean amount to little in the end, if you simple don't believe one iota of it.

I guess that was where I hoped to come into the picture. I figured my assurances and counter-narrative would not be as helpful, but if I could at least be that someone who could share his emotional distress and get it out of his system, even just momentarily, I would feel much more content.

I looked at him as he speak. His megawatt smile earlier dimmed, now showing a hint of frustration as he verbalised his feelings of self-doubt. His eyes radiated a hint of despair that was as beautiful as it was heartbreaking. Without him realising it perhaps, he was momentarily loosening his grip on control and composure, and I can only imagine how hard it is for someone like him to be so open about his insecurities. It was humbling and touching all at once, and I swear I will try my damn hardest to handle that trust with utmost care.

Some time later, he was eager to have me answer an online personality test to see how similar we were in that regard. I've always had my reservations about the validity of these tests, given how there's always such enormous space for subjectivity and ambiguity in the wordings of these questions, but I absolutely understood his eagerness. This world gets lonely; it felt good to know that someone understands your psyche and share your outlook on life.

Tormented souls, we both are. I envisioned myself gently caressing his face then and there, and giving him that assurance, that it'll all be okay, that he was understood, and that he was beautiful...

............

"Can I PLEASE get you anything from Starbucks?"

"It's fine," I smiled back.

He felt bad about me deciding to pay for dinner. I suppose he hasn't caught onto my history with Starbucks, given my past experiences. :P

I felt bad that he felt bad, so I relented, and had him buy me a slice of red velvet cake.

We continued talking about random things and discussing about accommodation plans for our stayvacation at the end of the year. Nothing remotely intense, just two souls trying to escape momentarily from a world seemingly filled with infinite harshness and craziness. Coincidences in life can be truly magical. I'm just grateful that, in my move to KL, I happened to stumble upon someone who I have grown to adore, at the same time could, I guess, tolerate my existence.

He's with me now. He has been for almost three weeks.
That's a happiness worth cherishing, no?

............

Epilogue:

I crashed as soon as I got back. Woke up at around 5am, and couldn't find my way back to dreamland. So I made my way to YouTube land instead.

Time had eluded me. I was tossing around in bed when my phone rang.

He called. Wasn't he supposed to be in the middle of a run?

"hey."

"morning."

"whatchu doin?"

"nothing. Wassup?"

"Jom breakfast?"

I couldn't contain my smile. That was a great start to my Saturday. :)

............

To AAAS. 30/11/2019.

'hey. missing you.'

It gets lonely. It gets cold. I often lie in bed, wondering if my longings and desires are ever reciprocated. So often do I sigh in overwhelming lonesomeness, scared of the reality of one-sided affection that always materializes into yet another episode of scars and tears. 

A chance - that has always been reason for my holding on. A chance that somehow, my patience and dedication would come to fruition. A chance that someday, circumstances would be of zero interference, and two souls could unite in a world that seems unforgivingly cold.

Yet I know so well, that chances have yet amounted to anything substantial or tangible worth cherishing. I know full well that these chances have always ended up combusting brightly with passion, only to glimmer and fade into nothingness.

It shouldn't have to be this way, I protested. I shouldn't have to suffer so much in the hope of one chance at love, one chance at happiness. It doesn't seem fair, that while others can freely express their love through acts of grandeur, the simplest of things seem to me like a luxury I cannot afford.

A simple meal. A simple note. A gentle smile. A text message...

......

"Zzzzzip." the vibration of my phone rocked my body and thoughts like a firecracker.

I jolted awake. In anticipation, I looked at the screen.

"hey. missing you. xx"

And just like that, my desolation dissipated. Gone was the sense of loneliness, as I finally had him on the other hand, accompanying me through 15 minutes of my lonesome night. Gone was my fear and insecurity, as they paled in comparison to the joy and elation of living in the moment, and cherishing the one person who mattered more than anything else at present.

"I miss you too. how was your day?"

Texts exchanged like the sweet nothings we used to enjoy in person. Emojis enveloped me like the lemon scent I vividly recalled from the night we first embraced in a cozy studio room we had rented. Words wrapped me like the comfortable blanket we shared on the night we held each other tight and caved in to the vulnerabilities of our love-deprived souls.

......

'i'll talk to you again tmr?'

'muacks. goodnight sayang.'

'muacks.'

It still gets lonely. It still gets cold. But the nights are at least more bearable now.

That's more than what I can ask for.

............

To AAAS. 171119.

Still a Child.

I rule almost everything in life on meticulous calculation, carefully embarking on each step knowing this is the objectively wise choice for my future.

Almost everything...except for love. My heart rules it, and I concede every single time.

This is probably why even after being so bruised and broken two years ago, I still believe.

This is probably why after countless rejections and burnouts since then, I still believe.

It's that belief I hold onto since I was 18, when a young, insecure boy first realised that he too could experience something just as magical. The belief that life could break you and shatter you into broken pieces, yet all it takes is someone fateful to pick you up and assure you, that everything will be fine.

Truthfully, something as vivid as this never really came about since then. Five years, yet it continues to be etched in the core of my heart, upholding an insurmountable bar of what two human beings in love ought to look like and be like.

......

It's been close to five years. Just a few days ago, a chance encounter had me face to face with someone not entirely dissimilar to that fateful someone when I was 17.

Our similarities are uncanny, yet our differences indisputably vast. We're well on our way to a guaranteed stability in life, yet our outlook on love exist on opposite ends of the spectrum.

Two nights of meaningful conversations coupled with warm embraces and hearty laughter. I can't say for sure what those two nights mean to me right now, but it definitely has me intrigued in a way I've yet to be since almost 18.

Night two wasn't even supposed to happen. Yet circumstances dictated otherwise.

Apprehension envelopes us like smog, one filled with toxicities from the fickleness of romance and the cruelties of reality towards atypical love.

And I completely understand that; this isn't my first experience with a soul staunchly keen on control and self-protection.

I could realise the lack of direction and end goal of this situation and back off. But I was never one to do that with people I care for to begin with.

I let my heart rule. I would continue caring for this person within my capacity and his comfort. What happens down the road is an absolute unknown, but I sure as hell won't materialise a negative value through my inaction.

"Have you learned?" I remember him asking.

I say yes. I know how to protect myself better. I know that some fights are meant to be embarked on individually, and your best intentions may not actually help resolve much.

But even if I'm still that blissfully innocent child with a hopelessly optimistic conception of love and its beauty, I'm okay with that. I'm okay with letting my heart rule in the one thing I still hold a definite losing record in.

Because sometimes, risk-benefit analysis simply doesn't apply. Because even if it hurts, humans are beautiful. Love is beautiful.

......

To AAAS. 13/11/19.