Still a Child.

I rule almost everything in life on meticulous calculation, carefully embarking on each step knowing this is the objectively wise choice for my future.

Almost everything...except for love. My heart rules it, and I concede every single time.

This is probably why even after being so bruised and broken two years ago, I still believe.

This is probably why after countless rejections and burnouts since then, I still believe.

It's that belief I hold onto since I was 18, when a young, insecure boy first realised that he too could experience something just as magical. The belief that life could break you and shatter you into broken pieces, yet all it takes is someone fateful to pick you up and assure you, that everything will be fine.

Truthfully, something as vivid as this never really came about since then. Five years, yet it continues to be etched in the core of my heart, upholding an insurmountable bar of what two human beings in love ought to look like and be like.

......

It's been close to five years. Just a few days ago, a chance encounter had me face to face with someone not entirely dissimilar to that fateful someone when I was 17.

Our similarities are uncanny, yet our differences indisputably vast. We're well on our way to a guaranteed stability in life, yet our outlook on love exist on opposite ends of the spectrum.

Two nights of meaningful conversations coupled with warm embraces and hearty laughter. I can't say for sure what those two nights mean to me right now, but it definitely has me intrigued in a way I've yet to be since almost 18.

Night two wasn't even supposed to happen. Yet circumstances dictated otherwise.

Apprehension envelopes us like smog, one filled with toxicities from the fickleness of romance and the cruelties of reality towards atypical love.

And I completely understand that; this isn't my first experience with a soul staunchly keen on control and self-protection.

I could realise the lack of direction and end goal of this situation and back off. But I was never one to do that with people I care for to begin with.

I let my heart rule. I would continue caring for this person within my capacity and his comfort. What happens down the road is an absolute unknown, but I sure as hell won't materialise a negative value through my inaction.

"Have you learned?" I remember him asking.

I say yes. I know how to protect myself better. I know that some fights are meant to be embarked on individually, and your best intentions may not actually help resolve much.

But even if I'm still that blissfully innocent child with a hopelessly optimistic conception of love and its beauty, I'm okay with that. I'm okay with letting my heart rule in the one thing I still hold a definite losing record in.

Because sometimes, risk-benefit analysis simply doesn't apply. Because even if it hurts, humans are beautiful. Love is beautiful.

......

To AAAS. 13/11/19.

I Will Always Love You.

The boat rode steadily across the ocean, waves splashing outwards from both its sides along the way. The breeze caressed faces of the tourists on the boat, like a gentle welcoming gift from Mother Nature herself. Surrounding the boat was a picturesque depiction of the perfect blend between the ocean and the sky, along with sturdy mountains that beautifully complemented the scenery.

I took in this gorgeous view that was presented before me. I could not hide the amazement I felt as I look around in awe.

Then I looked down at my lap.

You were lying down, head on my lap, eyes shut, peacefully napping away. I gasped.

That view rivalled the glorious scenery Mother Nature had graciously presented before us.

I placed my one hand on top of yours on your chest, while the other gently caressed your cheek as you slept peacefully. I can’t remember how long that lasted, but in that moment, I felt an approximation of what “perfection” would be like if it ever existed. It felt liberating. I felt happy…genuinely happy. I wished time would just freeze at that point, so happiness would be last forevermore.

Alas, life is nothing like a fairytale. As soon as our “honeymoon” ended, we were greeted with a painfully stinging dose of reality. Someone had to send screenshots of our photos to your family. The repercussions were abysmal. The emotional trauma hit you and I like a lethal lightning strike. You had to salvage the situation, and I was left behind, crippled with worry every single day of your well-being. We were both severely affected but I held on to that glimmer of hope, that we would wade through this storm just fine.

That glimmer of hope grew dimmer and dimmer. I was forced to face the inevitable. Blood is thicker than water, you said. I could not have possibly been chosen over family. And I completely understand. But it still hurts. It hurts that despite being madly in love with each other, circumstances had to come in between. It hurts that God is ripping happiness away from my soul after what was the most joyous month I’ve had in a long while. I honestly believe this is God’s way of telling me that I’m a horrible person, and that I don’t deserve happiness.

I bawled my eyes out through three phone calls. I haven’t cried this hard in years. You said I would get through this. How? How do I process having my significant other ripped away from me instantly after what was supposed to be a joyous escapade together? How do I process you deciding to conceal yourself and live a lie to appease family? How do I process this repercussion of ignorance and intolerance that’s tearing my soul into bits?

You said I made you the happiest you’ve been in a really long time. I can only hope I did, because the amount of joy you’ve regenerated in my life is unparalleled. I started off this semester in such a horrible state both mentally and physically, and then you came along, and made me revel in true happiness all over again. In such a short period of time, you’ve changed my life in more ways than one. I can never be thankful enough for all that you’ve done for me.

So many things I’ll never be able to forget: our unorthodox first date at the hostel cafeteria on a drizzling Wednesday afternoon. The smile on your face everytime I brought you your favourite caramel macchiato during work breaks. Our frequent Starbucks and McDonald’s dates where we both just sat and completed our assignments. Discovering food together at various places near campus during our free time. You surprising me on my birthday in McDonald’s with cakes and balloons. Our slow dance in the club. Our “honeymoon”. My lips on yours. My hand on yours as we drive around the island. Your face, and the little things that made what we had special.

I’m broken. Completely broken. I don’t know what to feel. My mind is drawing blank. I’m emotionally drained from all the crying. I wish this was only a nightmare that I could wake up from. It pains me to no end.

But you’ve made your choice. An understandable one. And I respect that. I only ask for you to never live a lie. I cannot bear the thought of you going through with that and be miserable just for the sake of others. I beg of you to always stay true to your heart and be you.

I refuse to believe we have come to an end. If you ever change your mind (and I hope to God you do), I’m waiting for you. Allow me to hold on to this foolish perseverance, for you are one amazing human being, and I’ll never find anyone as amazing as you are.

I love you. I love you. It’s freezing in my room as I am typing this, and I wish you were here to envelope me in your warmth and radiance.

I will always love you, monkey.

I will patiently (albeit foolishly) wait for a miracle – a change of heart.

But until then, I will always love you.

…………

It Wasn't Me

Maybe you did see me. Maybe I did catch your eye.

I just didn’t catch your attention.

I confided in a few people about this whole ordeal. I even dedicated a piece of writing here to detailing every ounce of emotion I felt with regards to this. It was lofty and dramatic, perhaps unnecessarily so. And it does hurt knowing that both these outlets would always end with answers that unequivocally implore my pathetic self to face the music, that your interest simply wasn’t piqued that way. But I guess it was ultimately somewhat necessary: it urged that I turn the page and look elsewhere.

And I did that. For months, I have convinced myself that with you, my interest and affection had no basis for requitement to begin with, and dwelling on it would entail zero results. I spent substantial time telling myself, after sighing at my wishful thinking, that it would only remain as such, no matter how fervently I had hoped for it to be so much more than that. It would be yet another mini-episode in a long series of fruitless encounters and unrequited crushes. It would suck no less, but it had already become a norm at this point, that it shouldn’t hurt. It wouldn’t.

…Would it?

I managed to shelve all such thoughts at the back of my consciousness. Cordialness was always present between us. It just wasn’t the same anymore. I watched you as you charmed everyone without even realizing it, and grew even closer with members of “the gang”. I watched as I slowly began to gradually feel the animosity coming from people within, specifically one of them. You unofficially become a part of their squad; I found mine. It felt more and more as though we were settling in two separate paradigms, with the minimal encounters we had precipitating in the form of a photo.

I was perplexed. What was it that I did that could’ve generated that kind of animosity? What in the world did I do? Am I too flamboyant that it’s dismal? Was I rude to you? I’ve spent countless nights seeking answers to that, only to end up sinking deeper into confusion and frustration.

It was weighing me down…unnecessarily so. I refuse to let these questions linger in my brain constantly and weigh me down. I decided, that if there wasn’t a mutual wish to mend things, I wasn’t going to put forth one-sided effort, or even dwell on it. I stayed distant…deliberately acted cold. I couldn’t handle being cordial, only to be scorned in return. I would not be that dumb.

I watched from a distance as you two grew closer…then almost inseparable. And I’ll admit to having hints of jealousy at the sight of that.

And I probably should’ve picked up on that and come to a realization. ‘Cause it all makes complete sense right now.

It came from the unlikeliest of people. And I was dumbfounded. For so long I had held on to that resolute assumption, and to have it be completely dismantled came as a shock I did not foresee.

“Really?...Really?” I couldn’t stop asking myself. How was it that I was so deep in oblivion? Was I just too afraid of wishful thinking, expectation, rejection? Did all of those drive me to rid all blind hopes altogether?

And more likely than not, I had no chance to begin with. I see why: I had no chance at comparison. I’m different; I’m everything that’s generally frowned upon. I’m usually unapologetic about it…not right now. No, I’m drowning in questions about myself, and seriously pondering if I’ll ever be ‘good’ or ‘normal’ enough to escape such a consistent recurrence.

I now also understand how the animosity came about. I can’t play the blame game: there were justifications. I probably would have reacted similarly. It’s unfortunate, yet can’t be helped.

I’ll keep my distance – I simply have no other options. I refuse to be labelled a home wrecker.

It sucks. It sucks even more knowing this had a basis of requitement to begin with. That it had the potential to blossom into something.

Then again, maybe there was neither a basis nor any potential. Maybe (most possibly), it all came to just be fairytales in my head.

They were sweet and magical, and I enjoyed them immensely. But now that it’s hurting back twice as severely, it’s time to put them to an end. It’s time to have it ingrained in my skull, that despite everything, it still wasn’t me.

I really didn’t need this to happen right now. Scars from a month ago are still fresh and stinging. This only served to add more salt to them. I reeeaally didn’t need that.

Alas, c’est la vie.

I’ll be fine. I have to be. Just give me a night or two…maybe a week.

............

“她真幸福……幸福得真残忍。”

Faded

It’s over.

Everything that had been magical, enchanting and invigorating…it all faded, dissipated, slowly, then all at once.

I saw it coming, in all fairness. When the flames grew smaller and the sparks started to fizzle out, I had an inkling, that the inevitable was nearing. My love-struck self, however, insisted it was worth holding out for, if the flame was all that I had to cherish dearly, and even if it was dying out.

I’m not angry; I can’t be. I wanted honesty, you gave me that. It hurts beyond belief, but sugar-coating or hiding anything would make the pain infinitely worse. That in itself is a consolation: the tumour of heartache was uprooted before it could manifest and consume my entire being.

If anything, I should be happy. I should be happy that you decided it’s in everyone’s interest to stay loyal, and I should be happy for him that you’ve gotten around to realizing that, even if it came at the expense of the elusive “what could have been”.

Could it have been something? Had I met you first, would we be continuing on this chapter of the story instead of arriving at such an abrupt and bruised closing? Could it have been a start of an indescribable journey that so many desire, yet so few get?

Alas, we’d never find out. And right now, my heart is breaking, bleeding, weeping… I feel my body enveloped in heartache and I can’t stop thinking about everything that could have been. It’s hard. It’s even harder after a rough week of re-adjusting to a new semester in university, deciding to switch minors, as well as dealing with crumbling friendships that once seemed so impenetrable. It’s only been a week yet the stress has worn me down dramatically. It’s hard. It really is.

But I’ve been through this. And I’m stronger than this. I won’t let my ache-filled heart consume me. I had such a great semester last year, I refuse to let this week set the tone for how this semester is going to be like.

I’m aching. I’m aching like a butterfly who just had its wings ripped off of with brute force. It’s overwhelming, but I’ll bounce back. I’ll stay hopeful, for the next right person to come along.

For now…just give me a night to process everything.

Maybe two.

Dear Little Sister

Dear Cheryl/Mei Mei (妹妹),

I had just finished a run I participated in on a Friday night when I felt my phone ringing. It was your mummy, and I was concerned. She had just been admitted into the hospital the day before, when your UPSR results were released.

“Hello?” you croaked. I felt a mixture of elation and concern. I hadn’t known how well you've performed yet.

“Hey Mei Mei!” I tried to be as cheerful and encouraging as I could.  It seemed at that point like you needed that.

“I’m fine…um…” that hesitation in your voice started to concern me. Your mummy said you cried rather badly in school that day. It can only mean mediocre results, I thought.

“How did you do Mei Mei?” I asked with anticipation.

“I…I got 6As…”

I was dumbfounded. 6 out of 8. It was more than I would’ve ever anticipated.

“That’s amazing, Mei Mei!”

“But…but…*sigh*…I was aiming for 7As…”

Your voice cracked, and so did my heart.

***

I see so much of how I was in you. How we tend to set high bars of goals to strive towards, how we expect ourselves to perform consistently, and how we’d unapologetically beat ourselves up if we fail to achieve what we set out for. Trust me when I say that I had my fair share of getting all worked up over not finishing at the top of my class in high school or getting results that were nothing short of excellent. I’d go as far as say I was even more intense than you are, in that I’d inadvertently turn every school examination into an intense, ruthless battle, just to attain fickle, superficial validation from everyone else, and prove that I had something to offer.

Would I say that such an aggressive mentality helped in my academic performance? Absolutely. But in hindsight I’m glad to know you don’t adopt a mindset as aggressive as mine in your studies. I know you aim high, and that’s really good. But life is so much more than just getting to the end result. The journey that led you to this moment in time should be something that you should instead have immense pride in. In the words of Hannah Montana (-wink-), “ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side, it’s the climb”.

Do you remember earlier this year, how you were royally struggling with mathematics? Struggling so much, that you decided that running away from it all was a solution. Your mummy became concerned. We had conversations and discussions over the phone over your situation, and it got to a point where she just didn’t know what to do to help you out. You wept, and she did too on the inside. It felt as if we were all taking a trip down to dark ruins.

I refused to let it happen. I couldn’t and wouldn’t allow it, especially when I have so much faith in my little half-sister, who possesses an intelligence and maturity that is unique, precious and unparalleled by most peers your age. I knew I had to at least talk to you and get to the bottom of this.

I guess things escalated to a head in March when you fell really ill on your way with mummy back to Penang. We rushed over to the hospital that night, and my heart broke at how frail you looked lying on the large hospital bed. Whatever happened, I knew it was more than mere physical exhaustion; you must have endured an arduous period of indescribable distress. I was so glad to see how your face lit up at the sight of both me and Da Ge. I’m happy that our presence there meant that much to you.

While Da Ge was having a conversation of his own with the mothers, I had the chance to take you out of the room for a bit and stroll around within the complex. We talked. We laughed. We opened up. I knew at that point you were as frustrated and concerned as everyone else would be about your studies. I assured you that I’d be there to help, not just with any question you had problems with, but also with your source of encouragement, motivation and assurance that you’ll win this battle, whenever you felt like you needed it.

Mei Mei, I want you to look at how far you’ve come in less than a year. From a significant disparity in your subject results to a very formidable 6As and 2Bs in UPSR. Just let that sink in for a moment. ;)

I know you wanted a 7A result, and you can be a little bit upset about falling so slightly short of your end goal. But I want you to also know that what’s even more amazing than a straight A’s result, is how you’ve managed to pick yourself up after falling, and fought this war like the brave little soldier you are. We’re proud of your 6As, and we’re even prouder with your progress, your determination, your persistence, and the amount of fight we’ve all witnessed in you during this six-month period. Life isn’t a pursuit of constant excellence, but rather a journey where you strive to never stop improving and becoming a better person than you were the day before.

And this is JUST the beginning, Mei Mei. You’ll have so many more battles in life that you’ll have to fight. Sitting for major examinations like PT3 (assuming it’s not abolished LOL) and SPM, assuming roles of leadership in high school, making new friends, embarking on various journeys…those battles won’t be easy either. So promise me, that you’ll never ever be complacent, and that you’ll continue putting your best foot forward in anything you undertake, alright?

And no matter what happens, straight A’s or not, you’ll forever be the best little sister any big brother can ever ask for. I’m so honoured to be able to call you my Mei Mei, and I hope you’ll never be shy to call me if you ever need help with math questions in the future? :P

I love you to the moon and back, and I’m so proud of you. We all are. J

Your sergeant,

Er Ge (二哥)

CNY 2014.

I LOOK SO YOUNG AND CUTE HERE YAY (\O/)

December 2015. My jaw looks disgustingly round.

March 2016. Is it even legal for a person
to look so angelic even when she's ill? <3

I See You. Do You See Me?

I see you. I have since day one.

I saw an ease so intriguing the first time you stepped up and said ‘hello’. It was an entirely new environment. I was shy. I was afraid of how judgments would come pouring in as soon as I initiated these mandatory small talks. I couldn’t live with the thought of leaving a less-than-adequate first impression that could define how people looked at me from then on. Staying reserved was the way to go, I thought. Then you came up. And with that reserved smile of yours, you introduced yourself. And I saw you.

I see confidence. Not the arrogant or authoritarian kind, rather a sense of self-assurance and knowing what you want and going after it without insecurities and doubts holding you back. I see a fearlessness that was immensely admirable as you dove in head first to assume so heavy a responsibility this early into an academic session. I see a courageousness that so few possess in wanting to lead and manage an entire team. I see an eagerness in wanting to be a better person through actual steps and assumptions of responsibilities. And that made me want to contribute my part in helping things out. Because I see you wanting to become better, and that makes me want to be better, too.

I see that huge, alluring wide-eyed smile, and boy, if only I could annunciate just how much it would brighten up my day just by witnessing that piece of beauty. Beyond that, I see a genuine heart and an incredibly likeable personality that so many find heart-warming. I see a selflessness in always making everyone feel at ease and comfortable with being themselves, and by doing so in the most subtle yet significant manners. I frequently see so many people around you, every single one of them so happy to be in your company. Though that makes me a wee bit jealous, it just confirms how much of a sweetheart you really are. (Not to mention the fuzziness I feel everytime I see you easily outweighs that…)

I see an assertiveness that I do when it comes to getting assignments done spectacularly. I tend to be a bit of a control freak, and you admitted to being guilty of that too. I see a willingness to take charge and lead a team to the end goal of completing a task to the best of its abilities. I see an unapologetic manner in which you own up to that assertiveness and abide by the high standards you set for yourself. I see someone who believes in putting forth effort and dedication, and producing stellar work that you’d be proud to stand by. I see you as someone I look up to as a compatriot, and someone who’d inadvertently motivate me to do just that. I see you as someone I’m proud to call a competitor, one that would always make me strive constantly to be better, and to never be complacent. Just knowing that you’re there alongside me to give each other that occasional push or nudge to keep going…that means so much more than I’ll ever be able to describe.

I see you. Right in front of my eyes, or at the back of my mind. I see you. Do you?

Do you see how my heart melts a little and how I get a little flustered every time I see you approaching? Do you hear me yelling at myself internally to get my shit together and stay composed in your presence so often? Do you feel my heart go pitter-patter at the mere thought of you getting to see you, even for just a few seconds? Do you see how there are so many candies in one room, yet I’m always only able to fixate on one person, and one person only? Above all else, do you see all these little things I see in you that add up to be the captivating human being you are?

(Honestly, I’m not sure if I hope you do. I realize all of these sound *kinda* creepy. At any rate…)

I see you. I see you, like a shining star high up in the gorgeous night sky. I see you from down on the ground, so far-fetched and unattainable. I can’t hold you, caress you, and I’m scared to even attempt to get closer to you. I only see you from afar.

Yet, if things were to stay like this for eternity, I’d still stargaze every night, marvel at your beauty and forever stay amazed by it, with a huge, content grin plastered across my face.

I see you. Do you see me?

Enjoying Life...?

“Good. Go and enjoy life.”

This has become my usual line in the daycare centre. I say it to kids from my Year Two class who have completed their homework and revision for the day.

Every time I’d say that, they’d flash their sheepish, bashful smiles. Some asked what I meant exactly by “enjoying life”. I simply told them to do whatever they wanted (as long as it didn’t disturb other ongoing classes) and, literally, enjoy life.

Some choose to draw, some read comics, and the boys of course play games. Regardless, they’d always seem to be enjoying themselves. I’d look at them and sometimes travel back in time when I once was like them: carefree, worriless and happy.

In fact, most of us were like that. Most of our childhoods were some of the most magical and enchanting times of our lives filled with memories that we’d give anything and everything to relive them once more. We really did enjoy life.

Then we started growing up. And gradually, you learn that life’s actually a lot tougher than you think.

They say ‘ignorance is bliss’, and rightfully so. I’ve yet to start university and I’ve already found myself constantly worrying about a variety of things: present challenges, future obstacles, even personal demons. I’d like to think it’s the same for most of us. Our thoughts are plagued with valid, terrifying concerns, that it really is hard to take ourselves out of everything, and just enjoy life. It simply doesn’t work that way.

A friend of mine recently texted me out of the blue and asked me what ‘enjoying life’ meant to me. Given how much of that phrase I’ve used over the past month or so, I was taken aback momentarily by the coincidence.

Then it occurred to me: other than shrugging off my kids’ questions about this, I’ve never really given much thought about enjoying life.

I promised him I’d write on this to answer his question, thinking I’d be able to formulate something. As of now, I’m rather baffled by my failing to do so.

I’m still 19, I still have so much ahead of me, and I still don’t really know what the fuck I’m doing with life. But I do know what I’d like to chase after. I’d be lying if I said the thought of possessing unparalleled wealth, migrating to the States and living the LA life didn’t excite me. I’ve wanted for these to happen since god-knows-when, and I still do. We all have dreams and things we want that seem so farfetched and outlandish that even we sometimes question our sense of reasoning. I for one do that more often than you’d imagine. Not that I’m gonna stop working towards realizing that dream of mine, but I do think that there are some more important things in life that I’d like to work for, more than anything.

I can’t go back in time and relive my childhood days. I can’t run away from obligations. I can’t depend on anyone else anymore to sustain myself…financially, at least. I have to work. I have to have a career. And in that case, I’m gonna enjoy my work. Not necessarily the politics and nature of the workfield, but the essence of what I do for work. Fuck expectations, especially those from single-minded parents. This is your life, and yours only. You’re living it, not them. Go after what you truly feel passionate about. I spent most of my schooling years trying to find a conventional STEM career that I would be good at, all while denying my desire of using my voice to entertain people. If it’s enjoying life you desire, then don’t sacrifice your happiness and sanity in favour of another career option that doesn’t interest you whatsoever. I truly believe if you enjoy your work, you will most definitely be productive and successful at it too. Both come hand in hand.

Speaking of which, being mediocre in what I do is an absolutely terrifying thought. Taylor Swift said the exact same thing. When it comes to things I truly have a passion for, I’ve always made it a point to put in the work and dedication to be good at them. This first came for me in the form of examination scores, which later on expanded to co-curricular competitions and my coaching duties back in school. To not give it your all, or to render yourself from being 100% is in my opinion to allow yourself to sink in remorse later on. Past experiences have taught me that to strive for excellence in the things you enjoy doing is truly an unparalleled reward. And I think that’s another way of enjoying life, too. To always be dedicated in your job and to never stop reaching for the sky…that can liberating and fulfilling, too.

I long for love. Love from my family and friends. Love from…a lover. And love doesn’t always come easy, especially for people living in regions in which society imposes a fixed definition on something so transcendent and heavenly. And that’s a massive reason as to why I hope to relocate to a foreign land, where the embracing and acceptance of love remains far more abundant. That aside, I’m still hopeful despite the circumstances. I’d love to have an amazing circle of people in my life as my rock, and know that whenever I need a shoulder to lean on or a listening ear, they’d be there for me. More than anything, I hope every time I’m done with work, I can come back home with a huge smile on my face. Because no matter how good or bad my day went, the other person would be there. To hold me and embrace me, and to let me know that everything’s gonna be okay. And that I’d be able to do the same thing for the other person too. I’d never stop being grateful for having someone that I can let go of my inhibitions and share my life with. I think it’s so important to never let the materialistic things make you lose sight of the love that you’re surrounded with. To love and to be loved…I’d say that’s a huge part in enjoying life.

Really, above all else, my dreams are that simple. To love what I do, to be successful at what I do, and to be able to share moments of my life with my loves.

I may look back at this post in 10 years and laugh in amusement or whatever, but at least for right now, 19-year-old Ernest feels really strongly about this.

And I have faith that I’ll be able to have all of these, too. I’m gonna hold onto that pure faith and keep working hard. Because I think having faith is beautiful. And that to some extent, to have faith in a beautiful life full of love, is on its own, enjoying life, too.