I Don't Want To

I sat at the front of the classroom, facing an entire class of Year 3 students, guiding them on their revision.

My eyelids threatened to shut. My body threatened to shut down. Yawn after yawn escaped from my mouth.

I felt so tired.

I thought he would be all right, up and running in no time. Had so much hope for that as I helped spread the word on Facebook. His brother messaged me and said his thanks, and I gave him so much hope that he’d be okay.

I could only sit down with my mouth agape for a good hour as I arrived at school to that piece of news.

I don’t want to have to endure goodbyes that come way too early. But I understand all of us, at some point in life, would have to experience that.

And if that’s the case, I don’t want to forever linger in the dark, cold and gruesome moments that ever existed in the first place. We are so much more than that, so much more so, that confining oneself to a minute space of misery seems horridly ludicrous.

I don’t want to stumble upon you and constantly wonder about your degree of animosity towards me. I don’t want to have to put a label of an enigma, in bold, on you when we’ve once felt compelled to share our deepest, darkest secrets, with no fear of judgment and consequences. I don’t want to ponder about the possibility of facing your deliberate animosity should I ever decide to strike up a simple “hello”. I don’t want to endure your hostility that radiates ever so strongly whenever we’re having a conversation, ESPECIALLY after an emotionally draining day like this. I don’t want to have to feel like a donkey running around the field headless when I have been trying to figure out what my next step is for the past few months. I don’t want to feel as though you’re questioning my every single step forward, so much so that sometimes I wonder if taking three steps backwards would be a better option.

I know you’re brilliant. I know you’re fucking brilliant. You’re an enigma of a superiority that is jaw-dropping. You’re so many things I could never be and my parents would DIE for me to be. I know all of that. And most of the time, I would be okay with that. I’m done with feeling useless. I’m done with feeling inferior. I’m done with looking at you as though I’m a dwarf looking up at a giant, feeling like my presence is redundant and unnecessary.

And you’re probably  definitely going to read this and go “what a wimp” “you’re dumb and useless” or something of the sort.

I’m done. I want to move on. I WANT to move on.

I feel so tired. I don’t want to. I really don't want to.

SPM Results Day: Just Getting Started

I managed to get a decent amount of sleep considering the circumstances that day. As soon as I woke up and it dawned on me it was judgment day, the grogginess disappeared and I instantly felt the butterflies in my stomach.

All the way through getting ready and heading to the car, I kept on moaning and groaning about how the absolute worst scenario might actually play out for real in less than an hour. I’m sure my incoherent self sounded a whole lot like I was constipating, but I swear, it was entirely involuntary.

“Quit being paranoid,” my twin brother said as we got into the car.

“And what do YOU know about the significance of things?” I cussed inwardly.

Frankly, it’s actually kind of hypocritical of me to say/think that, because I’m not sure I entirely do either. All I knew back then, was that I wanted a clean, otherworldly captivating set of results on my results slip…which, if you don’t know, means getting as many A+ as possible.

I had already heard seniors and uncles and aunts saying things along the lines of “it doesn’t matter, you’ve tried your best”, “you will do well for sure, you’re so smart”, “SPM is not THAT important” etc. But NO. I never bothered really taking those advices. No one knows how horrible my sciences are. No one knows that I didn’t actually prepare for SPM as well as I could have. No one knows that my preparations for certain subjects were so inadequate that I actually ended up cramping the only almost the entire Biology syllabus into my brain within TWO NIGHTS. No one knows how hard it is to nab A+ in language subjects. No one knows that I picked a really unconventional topic for my English essay and that alone was a huge risk. If you don’t know all these nitty-gritty, who are you to say I am guaranteed a splendid result?

And I was extremely insecure. So SO insecure, that I actually went and asked a few of my seniors about their SPM results to get an grasp of how things may pan out. I had this senior who I always thought was really intelligent and eloquent, yet he only scored two A+ in SPM. Just let that settle in, and bearing in mind how paranoid I was back in high school, imagine how that prospect absolutely had me in terror.

Hitz FM was on the radio while my mummy and I were on our way to my school (we had dropped off our brother at his own school), and JJ and Ean were recounting their SPM experiences from some time back. They mentioned about their results, and I thought “HOW DO YOU GUYS SURVIVE WITH ONLY 2As or 3As!!!”

We arrived in school and I held onto my mummy for dear life as we made our way to the basketball to retrieve my results slip. I wasn’t the first one there, so some of my classmates had already gotten their results. 9A+, 8A+, 8A+…they were the top students in class, so their results definitely weren’t a surprise. I prayed silently as I queued up, “PLEASE, DON’T let anything horrible happen…”

The prefect on duty handed me my results slip after I signed my name on the name list. This is it, I thought. Everything that I’ve worked for, it all came down to this. I held as my breath as I laid my eyes on it.

To this day, I still didn’t know how I felt exactly at that instant. I do remember comparing my results with some other top boys, and as I heard more and more of them get at least 7A+s, I felt a little numb, then a surge of dejection washing over me.

I saw smiles everywhere. I faked one, too. Photos were being taken every corner of the court. I made it a point to not be in any of them. Mummy was happy with my results, I straight up told her I was ambivalent.

I just wanted to head home and sulk for the rest of the day.

After group photos and a little bit of catching up, we did just that. I remember being on the phone with a senior on our way back, and he was advising me about how I should plan my next step and all. And that’s when it dawned on me.

“What now?”

…………

If you’re reading this and you’re about to get YOUR results, you can choose to hear me out here.

You can feel confident. (What’s wrong with being confident?) You can just say “fuck it, I don’t care anyway” too.

You can also feel paranoid. You can be absolutely terrified of the fruition of a nightmare. You can be horridly afraid, that you forget how to breathe as you inch closer to judgment time. In my case, if you’ve done consistently well over the course of your five years in high school, you should definitely know what it feels like to have that sort of expectation not just from the people around you, but mostly, yourself.

And it’s okay to be stressed out. You’ve worked goddamned hard to endure a grueling period of time to fulfill your obligation as an examination year student. That alone is a commendable feat.

But remember this, no matter how your results turn out to be, IT IS NOT THE END. You won’t get rich and famous if you nab straight A+, and you won’t be labeled as a failure in life if you don’t get any A+ at all. IT IS NOT THE END.

It took me a full year to realize that I wanted a splendid set of results for SPM to boost my own ego, and that SPM at the end of the day, is so insignificant once you’ve moved on to college or university.

Your life doesn’t stop once you get back home after receiving your results. You still have SO FAR ahead of you.

If you’ve done well, congratulations. Otherwise, commiserations. Either way, learn from this, and take that next big step forward to greater things in life. You’re only just getting started.

Good luck. May the mass times acceleration be with you. :)

Decided after I reached home that my results was worthy of a celebratory photo.

SPM 2013: 6A+, 3A, 1A-.

Fizzled Out

How do things fizzle out in a mere couple of days? Feelings, specifically?

There I was thinking you may be it. Until a couple of days later.

Your messages made me happy...for one day. Beyond that, they kept coming, and I found myself feeling increasingly burdened and annoyed.

And it's ridiculous! Horridly ridiculous. Because all of it felt a whole lot like a terrible nightmare.

I do feel bad. I feel like I was somewhat leading you on, only to desperately want to shrug you off like a big dirtbag.

I instantly thought of a line from the prologue from Red that really resonated with me.

"...you saw sparks that weren’t really there, felt stars aligning without having any proof, saw your future before it happened, and then saw it slip away without any warning..."

A spark it was exactly. Only this time wasn't like last time. This lasted less than what felt like a minute.

Maybe I'll find it one day. Maybe I'll come across an ember that ignites and lasts for a good while. One that leaves my heart racing even after what feels like forever.

For now...I'll consider this a lesson learnt.

"Oh hi"

“Oh hi”

You appeared out of nowhere with a greeting so casual and effortless, that it almost seemed intimidating.

This shouldn’t have happened. It was meant to just be a tap on my phone screen, period. Nothing should have entailed as it normally wouldn’t.

But it did. You did.

And my heart is left palpitating with trepidation, a first since a confession that was misinterpreted as platonic admiration.

Which is crazy, because we’re technically miles and miles apart, and none of these would ever materialize. One would be foolish to ever consider the possibility of it materializing.

But one can always hope either.

This may turn out to be merely a phase…but god do I fervently wish it isn’t.

I don’t know what is going to happen. I’m not sure if I want to, either. The questions keep lingering, yet no answers might ever come to them.

I’ll just let go and LET things happen on their own, I guess.

Meanwhile…

Oh…hey. :)

Something Borrowed, Something Blue

We crossed the iconic red bridge, descended the stairs and made it to sandy beach of Pantai Kerachut.

“What time is it?” I inquired as we dropped our bags under the shade.

“Almost ten,” Stinson got his phone out and checked.

Almost ten…we started at about 9.10 a.m. so that would mean…

“Hmm…under 50 minutes…” I uttered matter-of-factly. I was lightly screaming in joy on the inside.

“What, does 56 minutes still hold much significance to you?” my other friend said, jokingly and sarcastically. He knew what it meant.

“What??!! Of course not!”

It wasn’t until a few seconds in, that I started to question the veracity of my instinctual response.

…………

It was technically my first time stepping foot on Pantai Kerachut; we’ve always hiked past it and straight to Teluk Kampi in previous trips. As expected, the sand was great, the water felt great, the view was pretty spectacular too.

Mr. Sarcastic and I were having fun swimming in the ocean when Stinson hollered at us, saying we’d need to head to Teluk Kampi. He’s planning on making a ring out of sand alone, and apparently the sand over at Pantai Kerachut wasn’t pure enough for that.

Both of them wanted to clean up a little before we resumed hiking, so I sat alone under the shade as I waited for them to come back. I took in the marvelous view before me and, not for the first time, allowed myself to be captivated by it. For someone who almost always stays in, I almost never seem to care much for how the sky looked, but boy, the sky was so blue…so beautiful. Funny how it always takes arduous hiking trips for me to actually appreciate the simple things about Mother Nature that are breathtakingly precious.

I looked to my right: two young couples (all four of which I presume are really close friends) were laying on the sand just a few metres from me. They arrived at the beach not long after we did. One of the two couples were busy taking adorable wefies while the other…well, the guy was laying down with his head on his girlfriend’s lap. He was gently caressing her arm while their eyes were locked onto each other, as if it were just the both of them in their tiny universe.

I couldn’t help but smile. I was in a way invading their world but it was just so heartwarming to witness that.

And then I was reminded how not too long ago, I had that as well.

I turned to my left: there was an old couple sitting close to each other too. No caressing, no pictures or any other outward affectionate gestures. They just sat there, enjoying the view of the beach and the cooling sea breeze.

That took ‘heartwarming’ to a whole new level.

I wanted that.

I thought of that agonizing December night, after a tiring day of cold war with my mum, where we held each other tight on that beach. It was cold, but warmth radiated throughout my entire body. I remember how sweet it felt.

I had that. Not too long ago, I had that.

…………..

Soggy, cold noodles really aren’t appetizing, I thought.

We were at Teluk Kampi. Both my friends had already finished lunch and were by the shore. I was alone at the bench eating slowly.

I seized the opportunity and played some music on my phone. You know, the kind of music Mr. Sarcastic strongly disapproves of.

“And I know it’s long gone
And that magic’s not here no more
And I might be okay
But I’m not fine at all”

I was alone at the bench, but it wasn’t until the music played that I actually FELT alone.

I instantly pictured you sitting on the other side of the table. Just you and I, enjoying lunch, reveling in the bliss of each other’s presence. We always talked about how we would one day go on hiking trips like this, and I’ve never forgotten about them. They never materialized, but I could never forget them either.

“You called me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I’m a crumbled up piece of paper lying here
‘Cause I remember it all too well”

And I thought I had been okay with those immaterialized plans. I thought I had being doing a pretty good job moving on. I’d gone on for about a month now without constantly going back to your Twitter feeds just to see if you’d tweeted anything at all about me and get a hint of how you feel about me still. I’d gone on even longer without occasionally revisiting photos of us together. I’d even, for the first time, felt ready to delete them from my computer for good. I genuinely thought I was ready to return every little tiny moment I borrowed from you that stood out like no other.

I should probably reevaluate my progress, to say the least. Selfish, but I think I might need to borrow them for quite another while before I let them go.

“Now you mail back my things
And I walk home alone
It was rare, I was there
I remember it all too well”

…………

I eventually finished my food and joined Mr. Sarcastic in the ocean again as Stinson went in search for pure sand.

I looked up ahead once more. The sky was still mesmerizing in its glorious blue.  The horizon remained spectacular. The view coupled with the blazing sun was again unmistakably beautiful.

If only all things as precious remained as they were, forever and ever.

“HOW ARE YOU?!” I silently shouted in my heart as I sighed.

How are you?

Never Too Cool for School

School reopens tomorrow! I would figure this symbolizes nightmare for most students in the entire country, and very understandably so.

After all, what have we been doing since the end of our last school year? Hanging out with friends, going on vacations, pursuing our interests and hobbies…or if you were lazy, just chillin’ at home (and screwing up your sleeping schedule entirely). And now, to think that the end is nigh, and that tomorrow you will be heading back to school to continue your year-long affair with homework, assignments, teachers, examinations and what not?

Let it out, buddy. I feel you. Let it ALL out.

Like many of you, my fellow juniors, I have been keeping myself quite busy since graduation and the end of examinations last year. I enjoyed my holidays thoroughly, but like tomorrow, all that will have to take the back seat for quite a while, as I, like you, bid farewell to my holidays.

Nope, not going to school. I’m officially starting work tomorrow as an assistant tutor at a daycare centre.

And if you’re wondering how I’m feeling about it, well, ‘terrified’ would be an understatement. (I’ve been told by my teacher to imagine myself in a psychiatric centre.) But I digress…

For many years now, I’ve loathed the idea of heading back to school myself. Getting to see your schoolmates after so long was a pleasant prospect, but school nonetheless was still a wet blanket. Now that I’ve graduated (again…this time for good) though, that wouldn’t be a worry for me anymore.

Do I miss school? Honestly, not really. I don’t miss having need to force myself to sleep and wake up at 5.30a.m. to get ready to catch the school bus. I don’t miss the heaps of homework and assignments high school students need to deal with consistently. I don’t miss teachers that not only do not inspire me, but make it a point to be on every student’s “most hated” list. I don’t miss going to school and studying about subjects that serve no purpose (*cough* moral *cough* education *cough*) and things I have zero interest in. I don’t miss students that are obnoxious, childish, lack substance and seem to enjoy staying that way. I don’t miss preparing and sitting for examinations (or at least, examinations that I know I won’t excel in). Plus a whole lot of other things…

I’ll tell you what I do miss though. I miss genuine friends who are genuine human beings that I genuinely care for. I miss conversing with them about almost everything, from silly happenings and interests to our goals and aspirations. I miss doing impressions of several teachers with a few buddies, much to the amusement of our ‘audience’. I miss being under the tutelage of teachers who not only teach, but also educate and inspire. I miss letting words and phrases flow freely in the form of an essay and having them graded by my teachers to see how I can improve. I miss having the platform to express myself through poetry, debates, public speaking and presentations. I miss the intense preparations with my teammates before competitions. I miss reaping the sweet, succulent fruits of success with them at the end, and realizing that we’ve created memories and forged friendships that we would cherish dearly for the rest of our lives. I miss being appointed to host several major school events and ceremonies. I miss working intensely on projects that I was a part of with my fellow schoolmates and having a blast while keeping busy. I miss venturing into opportunities my school bestowed upon me that have allowed me to expand my horizons. Most of all, I miss JUST being a student and not having need to worry about so much in life.

Very few would proudly proclaim their affinity to schools in this day and age. And that’s perfectly fine. While the prospect of ‘school’ alone may turn more than a few stomachs foul, it’s the moments and experiences in school that truly define the memorable school lives of so many adults. These memories leave them longing to travel back in time just to relive those experiences once more. I for one know that everything I went through in school, primary or secondary, have shaped me into the person I am today. And if anything, I am eternally grateful for that.

So I sincerely hope you bear this in mind as you head back to school in the morning: many exciting (or terrifying, depending on how you see things) experiences await you in this brand new school year. Welcome them with open arms. Embrace them. Enjoy them. Be active. Dare to make mistakes and learn from them. Before you know it, 2016 will fly past you in a blink of an eye. And you’ll find yourself wanting to relive all your memorable moments in school as you inch closer and closer to graduation.

Happy first day (and many days ahead) of schooling! In the words of Taylor Swift, “take a deep breath as you walk through the doors”.

Moments: 2015

The severity of the floods in the east coast led to a one-week delay in the reopening of schools across the nation in the beginning of the year. I remember feeling groggy having just woken up when I found out about this on the news. I appeared as cool as a cucumber on the outside when all I could think of in my head was, “Hooray! One more week with my cucumber!”.

It was symbolic to how things started off in 2015 for me. I had a lover and I was happy. I knew my final year in Sixth Form would be tough but I felt motivated to do better than I did in my previous semester last year. Things were pleasant…pleasantly great.

Then it started dawning on me that cucumber would be off to university and we would be parting ways after what had been an enchanting December. Before I knew it, February came. And cucumber left. And it was unbearable. It felt weird adjusting to the fact that your text messages would no longer be reaching your loved one.

But I did anyway. And I kept myself busy. I promised myself I would place emphasis on my studies this year, but as always, loads of other things kept piling up anyway. (Believe me, I had no idea how it happened either.) I don’t consider this a bad thing, though. It can be overwhelming at times, but at the end of the day, it does feel nice to know that you’re able to utilize your abilities and take on challenges other people normally wouldn’t. I like the challenge.

The downs this year were more frequent and severe than I’d like for them to be. Turns out, my cucumber wasn’t the only one I had to say goodbye to. Some close relatives left us as well. And our classmate was taken away from us waaaayyy too soon. I’ve never experienced something quite as awful like this. To know that someone who was always a constant presence and an arm’s length away from you in class would be gone just like *that*…it affected us for quite a while. But there was definitely a lesson to be learnt from these goodbyes that I had to endure: that time waits for no man, and we should all make it a point to show the people we love how much we appreciate their unconditional support.

I couldn’t release a studio album about my life as a 19-year-old like Adele did but that doesn’t make it any less monumental and important. I had great success with my team towards the end of 2014 in an entrepreneurship convention, so I’m grateful that I was able to continue using my voice for certain causes this year. I got back into MUN after a hiatus and had the honour of partaking in this year’s PenangMUN. I hosted several major events in school, including a concert and the opening ceremony of our international students’ camp. But perhaps the most memorable affair for me, was when I decided to take a chance and talked about gay rights in a public speaking competition. I knew it was a risk, and I knew it would be polarizing, but I knew that was a splendid opportunity for me to speak out on something I was passionate about. I didn’t end up winning, but the opportunity on its own (and me grabbing it) tasted just as sweet as victory.

(Fun fact: A friend of mine who was present that day was assigned to submit a report on his thoughts on the competition. He wrote a paragraph about what I presented, which literally brought me on the verge of tears. It’s something that I’ll always hold on to and remember when I want to speak up on something I’m passionate about, regardless of what others may think. So Edreal, if you’re reading this, thank you so much, buddy! ;) )

Publishing a yearbook is tough. Being editor-in-chief is even tougher. Just the amount of responsibility that entails can be frightening. The amount of activities that our school committed to this year didn’t help our case either. We were a little late in finishing up the yearbook, but I’m just relieved that everything worked out in the end.

Arguably the sweetest bit of them all, was being able to witness the results of your unconditional nurturing. I’ve always taken my duty as coach of my poetry recital team very seriously, and being able to be a part of their journey to nationals was immensely gratifying. This family has brought me so much memories, not just this past year, but every year since I’ve been involved in poetry recital. I realize moving on at some point is inevitable, but till then, I will dedicate my entire heart and soul into nurturing more talents and passionate juniors to the best of my abilities. I know how enchanting this experience has been for me. I hope I can pave a journey hopefully as enchanting for them too.

Then came hell month in the form of November. Examinations were stressful, and a breakup added to the burden of it all. And I’m sure by the end of it, all of us Sixth Formers were beyond glad that we had survived arguably the toughest phase of Sixth Form.

I celebrated graduation this time around with slightly more activities than a couple of years ago. Prom was great. Getting to dress up was great. And I went hiking…a lot…which I enjoyed and appreciated a lot! I am by zero means athletic or sporty, so it was nice to know that I was actually capable of attempting something so physically demanding…and succeeding.

......

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that, 2015 has been a year full of ups and downs, triumphant moments and heart-wrenching ones. The sad bits stood out a little more than the happy ones, if I'm being honest. But I won't discount the moments where I truly felt grateful and blessed to just be able to live and do the things I love.

Questions and uncertainties persist. I’m starting uni really really soon and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to study overseas. I’m not exactly set on what course I want to study either. I am in urgent need to start figuring out uni applications and all the nitty gritty. I’m starting work as an assistant tutor at a daycare centre in a few days and I have no idea how terrifying kids over there will be. And with a job now, I need to figure out how I’m going to juggle between that and my coaching duties.

SO. MUCH. TO. WORRY. ABOUT.

But I guess I’ll be fine. I’ve made it through every year thus far all right. I’ll manage.

Here’s to health, happiness, and many more opportunities for me to pursue my passion and interests in the new year.

Goodbye, 2015. And hello, 2016.

The Rubens' Tube!

NOT my girlfriend. I promise.

1 of 8 Band 6 scorers in the July session of MUET in the entire country...not bad I guess.

Happy New Year everyone! <3