It Wasn't Me

Maybe you did see me. Maybe I did catch your eye.

I just didn’t catch your attention.

I confided in a few people about this whole ordeal. I even dedicated a piece of writing here to detailing every ounce of emotion I felt with regards to this. It was lofty and dramatic, perhaps unnecessarily so. And it does hurt knowing that both these outlets would always end with answers that unequivocally implore my pathetic self to face the music, that your interest simply wasn’t piqued that way. But I guess it was ultimately somewhat necessary: it urged that I turn the page and look elsewhere.

And I did that. For months, I have convinced myself that with you, my interest and affection had no basis for requitement to begin with, and dwelling on it would entail zero results. I spent substantial time telling myself, after sighing at my wishful thinking, that it would only remain as such, no matter how fervently I had hoped for it to be so much more than that. It would be yet another mini-episode in a long series of fruitless encounters and unrequited crushes. It would suck no less, but it had already become a norm at this point, that it shouldn’t hurt. It wouldn’t.

…Would it?

I managed to shelve all such thoughts at the back of my consciousness. Cordialness was always present between us. It just wasn’t the same anymore. I watched you as you charmed everyone without even realizing it, and grew even closer with members of “the gang”. I watched as I slowly began to gradually feel the animosity coming from people within, specifically one of them. You unofficially become a part of their squad; I found mine. It felt more and more as though we were settling in two separate paradigms, with the minimal encounters we had precipitating in the form of a photo.

I was perplexed. What was it that I did that could’ve generated that kind of animosity? What in the world did I do? Am I too flamboyant that it’s dismal? Was I rude to you? I’ve spent countless nights seeking answers to that, only to end up sinking deeper into confusion and frustration.

It was weighing me down…unnecessarily so. I refuse to let these questions linger in my brain constantly and weigh me down. I decided, that if there wasn’t a mutual wish to mend things, I wasn’t going to put forth one-sided effort, or even dwell on it. I stayed distant…deliberately acted cold. I couldn’t handle being cordial, only to be scorned in return. I would not be that dumb.

I watched from a distance as you two grew closer…then almost inseparable. And I’ll admit to having hints of jealousy at the sight of that.

And I probably should’ve picked up on that and come to a realization. ‘Cause it all makes complete sense right now.

It came from the unlikeliest of people. And I was dumbfounded. For so long I had held on to that resolute assumption, and to have it be completely dismantled came as a shock I did not foresee.

“Really?...Really?” I couldn’t stop asking myself. How was it that I was so deep in oblivion? Was I just too afraid of wishful thinking, expectation, rejection? Did all of those drive me to rid all blind hopes altogether?

And more likely than not, I had no chance to begin with. I see why: I had no chance at comparison. I’m different; I’m everything that’s generally frowned upon. I’m usually unapologetic about it…not right now. No, I’m drowning in questions about myself, and seriously pondering if I’ll ever be ‘good’ or ‘normal’ enough to escape such a consistent recurrence.

I now also understand how the animosity came about. I can’t play the blame game: there were justifications. I probably would have reacted similarly. It’s unfortunate, yet can’t be helped.

I’ll keep my distance – I simply have no other options. I refuse to be labelled a home wrecker.

It sucks. It sucks even more knowing this had a basis of requitement to begin with. That it had the potential to blossom into something.

Then again, maybe there was neither a basis nor any potential. Maybe (most possibly), it all came to just be fairytales in my head.

They were sweet and magical, and I enjoyed them immensely. But now that it’s hurting back twice as severely, it’s time to put them to an end. It’s time to have it ingrained in my skull, that despite everything, it still wasn’t me.

I really didn’t need this to happen right now. Scars from a month ago are still fresh and stinging. This only served to add more salt to them. I reeeaally didn’t need that.

Alas, c’est la vie.

I’ll be fine. I have to be. Just give me a night or two…maybe a week.

............

“她真幸福……幸福得真残忍。”

Faded

It’s over.

Everything that had been magical, enchanting and invigorating…it all faded, dissipated, slowly, then all at once.

I saw it coming, in all fairness. When the flames grew smaller and the sparks started to fizzle out, I had an inkling, that the inevitable was nearing. My love-struck self, however, insisted it was worth holding out for, if the flame was all that I had to cherish dearly, and even if it was dying out.

I’m not angry; I can’t be. I wanted honesty, you gave me that. It hurts beyond belief, but sugar-coating or hiding anything would make the pain infinitely worse. That in itself is a consolation: the tumour of heartache was uprooted before it could manifest and consume my entire being.

If anything, I should be happy. I should be happy that you decided it’s in everyone’s interest to stay loyal, and I should be happy for him that you’ve gotten around to realizing that, even if it came at the expense of the elusive “what could have been”.

Could it have been something? Had I met you first, would we be continuing on this chapter of the story instead of arriving at such an abrupt and bruised closing? Could it have been a start of an indescribable journey that so many desire, yet so few get?

Alas, we’d never find out. And right now, my heart is breaking, bleeding, weeping… I feel my body enveloped in heartache and I can’t stop thinking about everything that could have been. It’s hard. It’s even harder after a rough week of re-adjusting to a new semester in university, deciding to switch minors, as well as dealing with crumbling friendships that once seemed so impenetrable. It’s only been a week yet the stress has worn me down dramatically. It’s hard. It really is.

But I’ve been through this. And I’m stronger than this. I won’t let my ache-filled heart consume me. I had such a great semester last year, I refuse to let this week set the tone for how this semester is going to be like.

I’m aching. I’m aching like a butterfly who just had its wings ripped off of with brute force. It’s overwhelming, but I’ll bounce back. I’ll stay hopeful, for the next right person to come along.

For now…just give me a night to process everything.

Maybe two.

Dear Little Sister

Dear Cheryl/Mei Mei (妹妹),

I had just finished a run I participated in on a Friday night when I felt my phone ringing. It was your mummy, and I was concerned. She had just been admitted into the hospital the day before, when your UPSR results were released.

“Hello?” you croaked. I felt a mixture of elation and concern. I hadn’t known how well you've performed yet.

“Hey Mei Mei!” I tried to be as cheerful and encouraging as I could.  It seemed at that point like you needed that.

“I’m fine…um…” that hesitation in your voice started to concern me. Your mummy said you cried rather badly in school that day. It can only mean mediocre results, I thought.

“How did you do Mei Mei?” I asked with anticipation.

“I…I got 6As…”

I was dumbfounded. 6 out of 8. It was more than I would’ve ever anticipated.

“That’s amazing, Mei Mei!”

“But…but…*sigh*…I was aiming for 7As…”

Your voice cracked, and so did my heart.

***

I see so much of how I was in you. How we tend to set high bars of goals to strive towards, how we expect ourselves to perform consistently, and how we’d unapologetically beat ourselves up if we fail to achieve what we set out for. Trust me when I say that I had my fair share of getting all worked up over not finishing at the top of my class in high school or getting results that were nothing short of excellent. I’d go as far as say I was even more intense than you are, in that I’d inadvertently turn every school examination into an intense, ruthless battle, just to attain fickle, superficial validation from everyone else, and prove that I had something to offer.

Would I say that such an aggressive mentality helped in my academic performance? Absolutely. But in hindsight I’m glad to know you don’t adopt a mindset as aggressive as mine in your studies. I know you aim high, and that’s really good. But life is so much more than just getting to the end result. The journey that led you to this moment in time should be something that you should instead have immense pride in. In the words of Hannah Montana (-wink-), “ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side, it’s the climb”.

Do you remember earlier this year, how you were royally struggling with mathematics? Struggling so much, that you decided that running away from it all was a solution. Your mummy became concerned. We had conversations and discussions over the phone over your situation, and it got to a point where she just didn’t know what to do to help you out. You wept, and she did too on the inside. It felt as if we were all taking a trip down to dark ruins.

I refused to let it happen. I couldn’t and wouldn’t allow it, especially when I have so much faith in my little half-sister, who possesses an intelligence and maturity that is unique, precious and unparalleled by most peers your age. I knew I had to at least talk to you and get to the bottom of this.

I guess things escalated to a head in March when you fell really ill on your way with mummy back to Penang. We rushed over to the hospital that night, and my heart broke at how frail you looked lying on the large hospital bed. Whatever happened, I knew it was more than mere physical exhaustion; you must have endured an arduous period of indescribable distress. I was so glad to see how your face lit up at the sight of both me and Da Ge. I’m happy that our presence there meant that much to you.

While Da Ge was having a conversation of his own with the mothers, I had the chance to take you out of the room for a bit and stroll around within the complex. We talked. We laughed. We opened up. I knew at that point you were as frustrated and concerned as everyone else would be about your studies. I assured you that I’d be there to help, not just with any question you had problems with, but also with your source of encouragement, motivation and assurance that you’ll win this battle, whenever you felt like you needed it.

Mei Mei, I want you to look at how far you’ve come in less than a year. From a significant disparity in your subject results to a very formidable 6As and 2Bs in UPSR. Just let that sink in for a moment. ;)

I know you wanted a 7A result, and you can be a little bit upset about falling so slightly short of your end goal. But I want you to also know that what’s even more amazing than a straight A’s result, is how you’ve managed to pick yourself up after falling, and fought this war like the brave little soldier you are. We’re proud of your 6As, and we’re even prouder with your progress, your determination, your persistence, and the amount of fight we’ve all witnessed in you during this six-month period. Life isn’t a pursuit of constant excellence, but rather a journey where you strive to never stop improving and becoming a better person than you were the day before.

And this is JUST the beginning, Mei Mei. You’ll have so many more battles in life that you’ll have to fight. Sitting for major examinations like PT3 (assuming it’s not abolished LOL) and SPM, assuming roles of leadership in high school, making new friends, embarking on various journeys…those battles won’t be easy either. So promise me, that you’ll never ever be complacent, and that you’ll continue putting your best foot forward in anything you undertake, alright?

And no matter what happens, straight A’s or not, you’ll forever be the best little sister any big brother can ever ask for. I’m so honoured to be able to call you my Mei Mei, and I hope you’ll never be shy to call me if you ever need help with math questions in the future? :P

I love you to the moon and back, and I’m so proud of you. We all are. J

Your sergeant,

Er Ge (二哥)

CNY 2014.

I LOOK SO YOUNG AND CUTE HERE YAY (\O/)

December 2015. My jaw looks disgustingly round.

March 2016. Is it even legal for a person
to look so angelic even when she's ill? <3

I See You. Do You See Me?

I see you. I have since day one.

I saw an ease so intriguing the first time you stepped up and said ‘hello’. It was an entirely new environment. I was shy. I was afraid of how judgments would come pouring in as soon as I initiated these mandatory small talks. I couldn’t live with the thought of leaving a less-than-adequate first impression that could define how people looked at me from then on. Staying reserved was the way to go, I thought. Then you came up. And with that reserved smile of yours, you introduced yourself. And I saw you.

I see confidence. Not the arrogant or authoritarian kind, rather a sense of self-assurance and knowing what you want and going after it without insecurities and doubts holding you back. I see a fearlessness that was immensely admirable as you dove in head first to assume so heavy a responsibility this early into an academic session. I see a courageousness that so few possess in wanting to lead and manage an entire team. I see an eagerness in wanting to be a better person through actual steps and assumptions of responsibilities. And that made me want to contribute my part in helping things out. Because I see you wanting to become better, and that makes me want to be better, too.

I see that huge, alluring wide-eyed smile, and boy, if only I could annunciate just how much it would brighten up my day just by witnessing that piece of beauty. Beyond that, I see a genuine heart and an incredibly likeable personality that so many find heart-warming. I see a selflessness in always making everyone feel at ease and comfortable with being themselves, and by doing so in the most subtle yet significant manners. I frequently see so many people around you, every single one of them so happy to be in your company. Though that makes me a wee bit jealous, it just confirms how much of a sweetheart you really are. (Not to mention the fuzziness I feel everytime I see you easily outweighs that…)

I see an assertiveness that I do when it comes to getting assignments done spectacularly. I tend to be a bit of a control freak, and you admitted to being guilty of that too. I see a willingness to take charge and lead a team to the end goal of completing a task to the best of its abilities. I see an unapologetic manner in which you own up to that assertiveness and abide by the high standards you set for yourself. I see someone who believes in putting forth effort and dedication, and producing stellar work that you’d be proud to stand by. I see you as someone I look up to as a compatriot, and someone who’d inadvertently motivate me to do just that. I see you as someone I’m proud to call a competitor, one that would always make me strive constantly to be better, and to never be complacent. Just knowing that you’re there alongside me to give each other that occasional push or nudge to keep going…that means so much more than I’ll ever be able to describe.

I see you. Right in front of my eyes, or at the back of my mind. I see you. Do you?

Do you see how my heart melts a little and how I get a little flustered every time I see you approaching? Do you hear me yelling at myself internally to get my shit together and stay composed in your presence so often? Do you feel my heart go pitter-patter at the mere thought of you getting to see you, even for just a few seconds? Do you see how there are so many candies in one room, yet I’m always only able to fixate on one person, and one person only? Above all else, do you see all these little things I see in you that add up to be the captivating human being you are?

(Honestly, I’m not sure if I hope you do. I realize all of these sound *kinda* creepy. At any rate…)

I see you. I see you, like a shining star high up in the gorgeous night sky. I see you from down on the ground, so far-fetched and unattainable. I can’t hold you, caress you, and I’m scared to even attempt to get closer to you. I only see you from afar.

Yet, if things were to stay like this for eternity, I’d still stargaze every night, marvel at your beauty and forever stay amazed by it, with a huge, content grin plastered across my face.

I see you. Do you see me?

Enjoying Life...?

“Good. Go and enjoy life.”

This has become my usual line in the daycare centre. I say it to kids from my Year Two class who have completed their homework and revision for the day.

Every time I’d say that, they’d flash their sheepish, bashful smiles. Some asked what I meant exactly by “enjoying life”. I simply told them to do whatever they wanted (as long as it didn’t disturb other ongoing classes) and, literally, enjoy life.

Some choose to draw, some read comics, and the boys of course play games. Regardless, they’d always seem to be enjoying themselves. I’d look at them and sometimes travel back in time when I once was like them: carefree, worriless and happy.

In fact, most of us were like that. Most of our childhoods were some of the most magical and enchanting times of our lives filled with memories that we’d give anything and everything to relive them once more. We really did enjoy life.

Then we started growing up. And gradually, you learn that life’s actually a lot tougher than you think.

They say ‘ignorance is bliss’, and rightfully so. I’ve yet to start university and I’ve already found myself constantly worrying about a variety of things: present challenges, future obstacles, even personal demons. I’d like to think it’s the same for most of us. Our thoughts are plagued with valid, terrifying concerns, that it really is hard to take ourselves out of everything, and just enjoy life. It simply doesn’t work that way.

A friend of mine recently texted me out of the blue and asked me what ‘enjoying life’ meant to me. Given how much of that phrase I’ve used over the past month or so, I was taken aback momentarily by the coincidence.

Then it occurred to me: other than shrugging off my kids’ questions about this, I’ve never really given much thought about enjoying life.

I promised him I’d write on this to answer his question, thinking I’d be able to formulate something. As of now, I’m rather baffled by my failing to do so.

I’m still 19, I still have so much ahead of me, and I still don’t really know what the fuck I’m doing with life. But I do know what I’d like to chase after. I’d be lying if I said the thought of possessing unparalleled wealth, migrating to the States and living the LA life didn’t excite me. I’ve wanted for these to happen since god-knows-when, and I still do. We all have dreams and things we want that seem so farfetched and outlandish that even we sometimes question our sense of reasoning. I for one do that more often than you’d imagine. Not that I’m gonna stop working towards realizing that dream of mine, but I do think that there are some more important things in life that I’d like to work for, more than anything.

I can’t go back in time and relive my childhood days. I can’t run away from obligations. I can’t depend on anyone else anymore to sustain myself…financially, at least. I have to work. I have to have a career. And in that case, I’m gonna enjoy my work. Not necessarily the politics and nature of the workfield, but the essence of what I do for work. Fuck expectations, especially those from single-minded parents. This is your life, and yours only. You’re living it, not them. Go after what you truly feel passionate about. I spent most of my schooling years trying to find a conventional STEM career that I would be good at, all while denying my desire of using my voice to entertain people. If it’s enjoying life you desire, then don’t sacrifice your happiness and sanity in favour of another career option that doesn’t interest you whatsoever. I truly believe if you enjoy your work, you will most definitely be productive and successful at it too. Both come hand in hand.

Speaking of which, being mediocre in what I do is an absolutely terrifying thought. Taylor Swift said the exact same thing. When it comes to things I truly have a passion for, I’ve always made it a point to put in the work and dedication to be good at them. This first came for me in the form of examination scores, which later on expanded to co-curricular competitions and my coaching duties back in school. To not give it your all, or to render yourself from being 100% is in my opinion to allow yourself to sink in remorse later on. Past experiences have taught me that to strive for excellence in the things you enjoy doing is truly an unparalleled reward. And I think that’s another way of enjoying life, too. To always be dedicated in your job and to never stop reaching for the sky…that can liberating and fulfilling, too.

I long for love. Love from my family and friends. Love from…a lover. And love doesn’t always come easy, especially for people living in regions in which society imposes a fixed definition on something so transcendent and heavenly. And that’s a massive reason as to why I hope to relocate to a foreign land, where the embracing and acceptance of love remains far more abundant. That aside, I’m still hopeful despite the circumstances. I’d love to have an amazing circle of people in my life as my rock, and know that whenever I need a shoulder to lean on or a listening ear, they’d be there for me. More than anything, I hope every time I’m done with work, I can come back home with a huge smile on my face. Because no matter how good or bad my day went, the other person would be there. To hold me and embrace me, and to let me know that everything’s gonna be okay. And that I’d be able to do the same thing for the other person too. I’d never stop being grateful for having someone that I can let go of my inhibitions and share my life with. I think it’s so important to never let the materialistic things make you lose sight of the love that you’re surrounded with. To love and to be loved…I’d say that’s a huge part in enjoying life.

Really, above all else, my dreams are that simple. To love what I do, to be successful at what I do, and to be able to share moments of my life with my loves.

I may look back at this post in 10 years and laugh in amusement or whatever, but at least for right now, 19-year-old Ernest feels really strongly about this.

And I have faith that I’ll be able to have all of these, too. I’m gonna hold onto that pure faith and keep working hard. Because I think having faith is beautiful. And that to some extent, to have faith in a beautiful life full of love, is on its own, enjoying life, too.

Holding On To Colours

Eat, work, sleep. Eat, work, sleep.

My life has been fixated to this schedule daily. Counting my paid job out, I’ve been pretty much sedentary, unproductive and…well, lonely.

Which is technically strange, because you’d think being surrounded by kids would add colours to my blank canvas.

It did, for a while. I remember feeling tired at the end of every working day, yet waking up the next day feeling energized and excited to take on whatever was in store for me. I remember looking at the smiles on those kids’ faces, remembering them when you’re at home, and they’d unknowingly bring a smile to my face too. It was great. Things were great.

But lately, more than anything, I’ve been feeling trapped. It’s like I’m developed an immunity towards what used to bring me subtle joy and doses of energy. I’ve found myself desperately counting down till the clock strikes six while I suffer through getting disobedient kids complete their schoolwork, and I’ve come back home after work every single day feeling drained and lethargic, and nothing else.

Thing is, I’d be perfectly okay with all that, if there was a group of friends (maybe even just a single friend) that I can hang out and vent with. Remember those times in high school where you don’t give two hoots about how crazy and obnoxious your surrounding classmates are, because you had that close group of buddies that you simply just click with? And how you’d dedicate much of your time chatting about random stuff, or even let each other in on our darkest secrets and insecurities?

I had that. But now, I don’t even know if we’ll ever be able to cordially sit down and have a cup of coffee and Starbucks anymore. I swear it’s as if drifting apart is the norm for modern day friendships.

Most of my friends are out doing their own thing, hanging out with their respective cliques in university or colleges. Some already have a definite plan sorted out and is just living life as they please. And then there’s me, dreading every single day about callbacks for interviews and whether or not I’ll be able to secure a spot in my ideal university. The thought of actually heading out from the peninsula to the other side of the country for university is wildly daunting. I cannot tell you how much I berate myself every day for filling in a Sarawak university as my second choice for my uni placement…

But I digress. Point is, and I hate to admit it, but this loneliness is kind of eating me up and it sucks. I did mention I’d be okay being alone, but goddamnit, no one in the right mind would ever wish to stay alone and feel lonely till the end of time.

And so I’ve found myself holding on to connections I’ve managed to forge under very random circumstances. It’s gotten to a point where I would cherish them so dearly that it scares me. It scares me to know that this in turn would scare them away because I’m “coming on too strong”. And I never do want to give off that pushy vibe. I don’t want anyone to ever feel pressured. Yet, when you find yourself in a midst of something that feels so right, you naturally hang on to them for dear life, for fear of them slipping away.

My previous post touched on an unlikely encounter that never materialized. Just a few days back, another encounter happened. Only this time, it wasn’t merely a full on crush. Our conversations had substance, and I was really fortunate to have received so much information about work in the media. As a person who aspires to pursue a career in the media, it couldn’t have happened at a more perfect time. Now I know so much more, and I can start think about what exactly I want to accomplish while at that. It’s really piqued my interest and passion to chase after that seemingly elusive career.

But it stretches waaaayyy beyond that. When I say we clicked, I mean it wholeheartedly. Last time I’ve felt the same connection this early on with someone was when I first started chatting with my ex. Not saying this connection is ever going to materialize or be anything beyond what it already is, but when you do find a connection as profound and resounding as this, you’d be a fool to not cherish it.

And cherish it I will. I don’t know if I’m appearing as “coming on too strong”. I don’t know how the other person actually feels about me after two days of messages back and forth, or if my ever present clingy-ness is sensed by the other party. And I’m afraid that this might turn out to be exactly like what happened last time around, despite assurances that it won’t happen. You never really know for sure. But for as long as I get to have this, cherish it I will.

…And you. 对，就是你。If ever by any chance you stumble upon this…thank you. Thank you for adding a few more shades of colour to my canvas. From the bottom of my heart, I really really really do appreciate it. J

I'm Okay With Being Alone

My colleague asked me about something personal while at work this past week, to which I replied honestly and bluntly.

I had an inkling she knew anyway. And she was really sweet about it, just like a caring parent.

One thing she said that did make me uncomfortable was I am more than likely to be alone, possibly till the end of my time. She cited a few of her friends as examples while at that.

Truth be told, at that moment, her words scared the life out of me. It isn’t that I wasn’t aware of similar real-life examples prior to that. Call me naïve, but I’ve always held on to the belief that one day, I’d find the one. It didn’t matter just how different, eccentric and sometimes insufferable I was. I’ve always believed I would. So to think that staying alone would become the story of my life, that had me taken aback.

And it’s not as if I’ve never given that a thought before. In my early teens I’d already pondered about the likelihood of a life-long solitary existence. It’d terrify me deeply. I got so terrified, that I’d do crazy things. Like allowing myself to get involved in sticky situations. And giving the other person waaaayyy more than I probably should have. And continuously putting in one-sided effort in the blind hope of having that feeling be reciprocated.

(Yes, I forked out a huge chunks of my savings to please the other person.)

Eventually I got out of that detrimental mindset and became smart enough to walk away. It was a massive lesson for me, one that I admittedly paid a price too high for. Nonetheless, a lesson learnt is a lesson learnt, and it’s one I’m glad I did. I’m glad I learnt that I don’t NEED to cling onto someone else for dear life in pursuit of happiness. I can be happy and content by loving myself first and foremost.

Years later I’ve found myself in a couple of relationships that were based off of mutual understanding and affection, and from those I’ve had some magical, wonderstruck moments I’ll hold near and dear with me till the end of time. And I’m grateful for them, despite the undesirable endings, because they definitely had a part of my faith in finding love restored.

Just this month, I had an interesting encounter with someone who I thought would be an integral source of my happiness for a good amount of time. I kept my hopes up when my confession was favourably responded to. Holding on to that hope alone had my heart fluttering. But as days went by, mutual affection and caring slowly became a one-sided affair. The flame on the other end died down. I realized said affirmative response meant nothing more than a heat-of-the-moment flirtation to woe me. It really didn’t matter at all. I found myself reverting to old habits, constantly putting forth an effort to display my earnestness when it obviously isn’t reciprocated. For quite a while I felt like a fool who was willing to be a fool (again). And I wasn’t okay with that.

As I am writing this, I can’t begin to describe to you how liberating it is to acknowledge that this spark has ended, and that it’s time to press on. I don’t need to make a fool out of myself to capture someone else’s brief attention in vain. It really isn’t worth it.

And even if I do manage to capture it, it still wouldn’t be worth it. ‘Cause if I’m going to be unhappy trying so hard for someone else, I might as well be happy staying alone.

I’m okay with being alone. I’m glad I can finally tell that to myself. I’m genuinely okay with being alone.