Dear Little Sister

Dear Cheryl/Mei Mei (妹妹),

I had just finished a run I participated in on a Friday night when I felt my phone ringing. It was your mummy, and I was concerned. She had just been admitted into the hospital the day before, when your UPSR results were released.

“Hello?” you croaked. I felt a mixture of elation and concern. I hadn’t known how well you've performed yet.

“Hey Mei Mei!” I tried to be as cheerful and encouraging as I could.  It seemed at that point like you needed that.

“I’m fine…um…” that hesitation in your voice started to concern me. Your mummy said you cried rather badly in school that day. It can only mean mediocre results, I thought.

“How did you do Mei Mei?” I asked with anticipation.

“I…I got 6As…”

I was dumbfounded. 6 out of 8. It was more than I would’ve ever anticipated.

“That’s amazing, Mei Mei!”

“But…but…*sigh*…I was aiming for 7As…”

Your voice cracked, and so did my heart.

***

I see so much of how I was in you. How we tend to set high bars of goals to strive towards, how we expect ourselves to perform consistently, and how we’d unapologetically beat ourselves up if we fail to achieve what we set out for. Trust me when I say that I had my fair share of getting all worked up over not finishing at the top of my class in high school or getting results that were nothing short of excellent. I’d go as far as say I was even more intense than you are, in that I’d inadvertently turn every school examination into an intense, ruthless battle, just to attain fickle, superficial validation from everyone else, and prove that I had something to offer.

Would I say that such an aggressive mentality helped in my academic performance? Absolutely. But in hindsight I’m glad to know you don’t adopt a mindset as aggressive as mine in your studies. I know you aim high, and that’s really good. But life is so much more than just getting to the end result. The journey that led you to this moment in time should be something that you should instead have immense pride in. In the words of Hannah Montana (-wink-), “ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side, it’s the climb”.

Do you remember earlier this year, how you were royally struggling with mathematics? Struggling so much, that you decided that running away from it all was a solution. Your mummy became concerned. We had conversations and discussions over the phone over your situation, and it got to a point where she just didn’t know what to do to help you out. You wept, and she did too on the inside. It felt as if we were all taking a trip down to dark ruins.

I refused to let it happen. I couldn’t and wouldn’t allow it, especially when I have so much faith in my little half-sister, who possesses an intelligence and maturity that is unique, precious and unparalleled by most peers your age. I knew I had to at least talk to you and get to the bottom of this.

I guess things escalated to a head in March when you fell really ill on your way with mummy back to Penang. We rushed over to the hospital that night, and my heart broke at how frail you looked lying on the large hospital bed. Whatever happened, I knew it was more than mere physical exhaustion; you must have endured an arduous period of indescribable distress. I was so glad to see how your face lit up at the sight of both me and Da Ge. I’m happy that our presence there meant that much to you.

While Da Ge was having a conversation of his own with the mothers, I had the chance to take you out of the room for a bit and stroll around within the complex. We talked. We laughed. We opened up. I knew at that point you were as frustrated and concerned as everyone else would be about your studies. I assured you that I’d be there to help, not just with any question you had problems with, but also with your source of encouragement, motivation and assurance that you’ll win this battle, whenever you felt like you needed it.

Mei Mei, I want you to look at how far you’ve come in less than a year. From a significant disparity in your subject results to a very formidable 6As and 2Bs in UPSR. Just let that sink in for a moment. ;)

I know you wanted a 7A result, and you can be a little bit upset about falling so slightly short of your end goal. But I want you to also know that what’s even more amazing than a straight A’s result, is how you’ve managed to pick yourself up after falling, and fought this war like the brave little soldier you are. We’re proud of your 6As, and we’re even prouder with your progress, your determination, your persistence, and the amount of fight we’ve all witnessed in you during this six-month period. Life isn’t a pursuit of constant excellence, but rather a journey where you strive to never stop improving and becoming a better person than you were the day before.

And this is JUST the beginning, Mei Mei. You’ll have so many more battles in life that you’ll have to fight. Sitting for major examinations like PT3 (assuming it’s not abolished LOL) and SPM, assuming roles of leadership in high school, making new friends, embarking on various journeys…those battles won’t be easy either. So promise me, that you’ll never ever be complacent, and that you’ll continue putting your best foot forward in anything you undertake, alright?

And no matter what happens, straight A’s or not, you’ll forever be the best little sister any big brother can ever ask for. I’m so honoured to be able to call you my Mei Mei, and I hope you’ll never be shy to call me if you ever need help with math questions in the future? :P

I love you to the moon and back, and I’m so proud of you. We all are. J

Your sergeant,

Er Ge (二哥)

CNY 2014.

I LOOK SO YOUNG AND CUTE HERE YAY (\O/)

December 2015. My jaw looks disgustingly round.

March 2016. Is it even legal for a person
to look so angelic even when she's ill? <3

I See You. Do You See Me?

I see you. I have since day one.

I saw an ease so intriguing the first time you stepped up and said ‘hello’. It was an entirely new environment. I was shy. I was afraid of how judgments would come pouring in as soon as I initiated these mandatory small talks. I couldn’t live with the thought of leaving a less-than-adequate first impression that could define how people looked at me from then on. Staying reserved was the way to go, I thought. Then you came up. And with that reserved smile of yours, you introduced yourself. And I saw you.

I see confidence. Not the arrogant or authoritarian kind, rather a sense of self-assurance and knowing what you want and going after it without insecurities and doubts holding you back. I see a fearlessness that was immensely admirable as you dove in head first to assume so heavy a responsibility this early into an academic session. I see a courageousness that so few possess in wanting to lead and manage an entire team. I see an eagerness in wanting to be a better person through actual steps and assumptions of responsibilities. And that made me want to contribute my part in helping things out. Because I see you wanting to become better, and that makes me want to be better, too.

I see that huge, alluring wide-eyed smile, and boy, if only I could annunciate just how much it would brighten up my day just by witnessing that piece of beauty. Beyond that, I see a genuine heart and an incredibly likeable personality that so many find heart-warming. I see a selflessness in always making everyone feel at ease and comfortable with being themselves, and by doing so in the most subtle yet significant manners. I frequently see so many people around you, every single one of them so happy to be in your company. Though that makes me a wee bit jealous, it just confirms how much of a sweetheart you really are. (Not to mention the fuzziness I feel everytime I see you easily outweighs that…)

I see an assertiveness that I do when it comes to getting assignments done spectacularly. I tend to be a bit of a control freak, and you admitted to being guilty of that too. I see a willingness to take charge and lead a team to the end goal of completing a task to the best of its abilities. I see an unapologetic manner in which you own up to that assertiveness and abide by the high standards you set for yourself. I see someone who believes in putting forth effort and dedication, and producing stellar work that you’d be proud to stand by. I see you as someone I look up to as a compatriot, and someone who’d inadvertently motivate me to do just that. I see you as someone I’m proud to call a competitor, one that would always make me strive constantly to be better, and to never be complacent. Just knowing that you’re there alongside me to give each other that occasional push or nudge to keep going…that means so much more than I’ll ever be able to describe.

I see you. Right in front of my eyes, or at the back of my mind. I see you. Do you?

Do you see how my heart melts a little and how I get a little flustered every time I see you approaching? Do you hear me yelling at myself internally to get my shit together and stay composed in your presence so often? Do you feel my heart go pitter-patter at the mere thought of you getting to see you, even for just a few seconds? Do you see how there are so many candies in one room, yet I’m always only able to fixate on one person, and one person only? Above all else, do you see all these little things I see in you that add up to be the captivating human being you are?

(Honestly, I’m not sure if I hope you do. I realize all of these sound *kinda* creepy. At any rate…)

I see you. I see you, like a shining star high up in the gorgeous night sky. I see you from down on the ground, so far-fetched and unattainable. I can’t hold you, caress you, and I’m scared to even attempt to get closer to you. I only see you from afar.

Yet, if things were to stay like this for eternity, I’d still stargaze every night, marvel at your beauty and forever stay amazed by it, with a huge, content grin plastered across my face.

I see you. Do you see me?

Enjoying Life...?

“Good. Go and enjoy life.”

This has become my usual line in the daycare centre. I say it to kids from my Year Two class who have completed their homework and revision for the day.

Every time I’d say that, they’d flash their sheepish, bashful smiles. Some asked what I meant exactly by “enjoying life”. I simply told them to do whatever they wanted (as long as it didn’t disturb other ongoing classes) and, literally, enjoy life.

Some choose to draw, some read comics, and the boys of course play games. Regardless, they’d always seem to be enjoying themselves. I’d look at them and sometimes travel back in time when I once was like them: carefree, worriless and happy.

In fact, most of us were like that. Most of our childhoods were some of the most magical and enchanting times of our lives filled with memories that we’d give anything and everything to relive them once more. We really did enjoy life.

Then we started growing up. And gradually, you learn that life’s actually a lot tougher than you think.

They say ‘ignorance is bliss’, and rightfully so. I’ve yet to start university and I’ve already found myself constantly worrying about a variety of things: present challenges, future obstacles, even personal demons. I’d like to think it’s the same for most of us. Our thoughts are plagued with valid, terrifying concerns, that it really is hard to take ourselves out of everything, and just enjoy life. It simply doesn’t work that way.

A friend of mine recently texted me out of the blue and asked me what ‘enjoying life’ meant to me. Given how much of that phrase I’ve used over the past month or so, I was taken aback momentarily by the coincidence.

Then it occurred to me: other than shrugging off my kids’ questions about this, I’ve never really given much thought about enjoying life.

I promised him I’d write on this to answer his question, thinking I’d be able to formulate something. As of now, I’m rather baffled by my failing to do so.

I’m still 19, I still have so much ahead of me, and I still don’t really know what the fuck I’m doing with life. But I do know what I’d like to chase after. I’d be lying if I said the thought of possessing unparalleled wealth, migrating to the States and living the LA life didn’t excite me. I’ve wanted for these to happen since god-knows-when, and I still do. We all have dreams and things we want that seem so farfetched and outlandish that even we sometimes question our sense of reasoning. I for one do that more often than you’d imagine. Not that I’m gonna stop working towards realizing that dream of mine, but I do think that there are some more important things in life that I’d like to work for, more than anything.

I can’t go back in time and relive my childhood days. I can’t run away from obligations. I can’t depend on anyone else anymore to sustain myself…financially, at least. I have to work. I have to have a career. And in that case, I’m gonna enjoy my work. Not necessarily the politics and nature of the workfield, but the essence of what I do for work. Fuck expectations, especially those from single-minded parents. This is your life, and yours only. You’re living it, not them. Go after what you truly feel passionate about. I spent most of my schooling years trying to find a conventional STEM career that I would be good at, all while denying my desire of using my voice to entertain people. If it’s enjoying life you desire, then don’t sacrifice your happiness and sanity in favour of another career option that doesn’t interest you whatsoever. I truly believe if you enjoy your work, you will most definitely be productive and successful at it too. Both come hand in hand.

Speaking of which, being mediocre in what I do is an absolutely terrifying thought. Taylor Swift said the exact same thing. When it comes to things I truly have a passion for, I’ve always made it a point to put in the work and dedication to be good at them. This first came for me in the form of examination scores, which later on expanded to co-curricular competitions and my coaching duties back in school. To not give it your all, or to render yourself from being 100% is in my opinion to allow yourself to sink in remorse later on. Past experiences have taught me that to strive for excellence in the things you enjoy doing is truly an unparalleled reward. And I think that’s another way of enjoying life, too. To always be dedicated in your job and to never stop reaching for the sky…that can liberating and fulfilling, too.

I long for love. Love from my family and friends. Love from…a lover. And love doesn’t always come easy, especially for people living in regions in which society imposes a fixed definition on something so transcendent and heavenly. And that’s a massive reason as to why I hope to relocate to a foreign land, where the embracing and acceptance of love remains far more abundant. That aside, I’m still hopeful despite the circumstances. I’d love to have an amazing circle of people in my life as my rock, and know that whenever I need a shoulder to lean on or a listening ear, they’d be there for me. More than anything, I hope every time I’m done with work, I can come back home with a huge smile on my face. Because no matter how good or bad my day went, the other person would be there. To hold me and embrace me, and to let me know that everything’s gonna be okay. And that I’d be able to do the same thing for the other person too. I’d never stop being grateful for having someone that I can let go of my inhibitions and share my life with. I think it’s so important to never let the materialistic things make you lose sight of the love that you’re surrounded with. To love and to be loved…I’d say that’s a huge part in enjoying life.

Really, above all else, my dreams are that simple. To love what I do, to be successful at what I do, and to be able to share moments of my life with my loves.

I may look back at this post in 10 years and laugh in amusement or whatever, but at least for right now, 19-year-old Ernest feels really strongly about this.

And I have faith that I’ll be able to have all of these, too. I’m gonna hold onto that pure faith and keep working hard. Because I think having faith is beautiful. And that to some extent, to have faith in a beautiful life full of love, is on its own, enjoying life, too.

Holding On To Colours

Eat, work, sleep. Eat, work, sleep.

My life has been fixated to this schedule daily. Counting my paid job out, I’ve been pretty much sedentary, unproductive and…well, lonely.

Which is technically strange, because you’d think being surrounded by kids would add colours to my blank canvas.

It did, for a while. I remember feeling tired at the end of every working day, yet waking up the next day feeling energized and excited to take on whatever was in store for me. I remember looking at the smiles on those kids’ faces, remembering them when you’re at home, and they’d unknowingly bring a smile to my face too. It was great. Things were great.

But lately, more than anything, I’ve been feeling trapped. It’s like I’m developed an immunity towards what used to bring me subtle joy and doses of energy. I’ve found myself desperately counting down till the clock strikes six while I suffer through getting disobedient kids complete their schoolwork, and I’ve come back home after work every single day feeling drained and lethargic, and nothing else.

Thing is, I’d be perfectly okay with all that, if there was a group of friends (maybe even just a single friend) that I can hang out and vent with. Remember those times in high school where you don’t give two hoots about how crazy and obnoxious your surrounding classmates are, because you had that close group of buddies that you simply just click with? And how you’d dedicate much of your time chatting about random stuff, or even let each other in on our darkest secrets and insecurities?

I had that. But now, I don’t even know if we’ll ever be able to cordially sit down and have a cup of coffee and Starbucks anymore. I swear it’s as if drifting apart is the norm for modern day friendships.

Most of my friends are out doing their own thing, hanging out with their respective cliques in university or colleges. Some already have a definite plan sorted out and is just living life as they please. And then there’s me, dreading every single day about callbacks for interviews and whether or not I’ll be able to secure a spot in my ideal university. The thought of actually heading out from the peninsula to the other side of the country for university is wildly daunting. I cannot tell you how much I berate myself every day for filling in a Sarawak university as my second choice for my uni placement…

But I digress. Point is, and I hate to admit it, but this loneliness is kind of eating me up and it sucks. I did mention I’d be okay being alone, but goddamnit, no one in the right mind would ever wish to stay alone and feel lonely till the end of time.

And so I’ve found myself holding on to connections I’ve managed to forge under very random circumstances. It’s gotten to a point where I would cherish them so dearly that it scares me. It scares me to know that this in turn would scare them away because I’m “coming on too strong”. And I never do want to give off that pushy vibe. I don’t want anyone to ever feel pressured. Yet, when you find yourself in a midst of something that feels so right, you naturally hang on to them for dear life, for fear of them slipping away.

My previous post touched on an unlikely encounter that never materialized. Just a few days back, another encounter happened. Only this time, it wasn’t merely a full on crush. Our conversations had substance, and I was really fortunate to have received so much information about work in the media. As a person who aspires to pursue a career in the media, it couldn’t have happened at a more perfect time. Now I know so much more, and I can start think about what exactly I want to accomplish while at that. It’s really piqued my interest and passion to chase after that seemingly elusive career.

But it stretches waaaayyy beyond that. When I say we clicked, I mean it wholeheartedly. Last time I’ve felt the same connection this early on with someone was when I first started chatting with my ex. Not saying this connection is ever going to materialize or be anything beyond what it already is, but when you do find a connection as profound and resounding as this, you’d be a fool to not cherish it.

And cherish it I will. I don’t know if I’m appearing as “coming on too strong”. I don’t know how the other person actually feels about me after two days of messages back and forth, or if my ever present clingy-ness is sensed by the other party. And I’m afraid that this might turn out to be exactly like what happened last time around, despite assurances that it won’t happen. You never really know for sure. But for as long as I get to have this, cherish it I will.

…And you. 对，就是你。If ever by any chance you stumble upon this…thank you. Thank you for adding a few more shades of colour to my canvas. From the bottom of my heart, I really really really do appreciate it. J

I'm Okay With Being Alone

My colleague asked me about something personal while at work this past week, to which I replied honestly and bluntly.

I had an inkling she knew anyway. And she was really sweet about it, just like a caring parent.

One thing she said that did make me uncomfortable was I am more than likely to be alone, possibly till the end of my time. She cited a few of her friends as examples while at that.

Truth be told, at that moment, her words scared the life out of me. It isn’t that I wasn’t aware of similar real-life examples prior to that. Call me naïve, but I’ve always held on to the belief that one day, I’d find the one. It didn’t matter just how different, eccentric and sometimes insufferable I was. I’ve always believed I would. So to think that staying alone would become the story of my life, that had me taken aback.

And it’s not as if I’ve never given that a thought before. In my early teens I’d already pondered about the likelihood of a life-long solitary existence. It’d terrify me deeply. I got so terrified, that I’d do crazy things. Like allowing myself to get involved in sticky situations. And giving the other person waaaayyy more than I probably should have. And continuously putting in one-sided effort in the blind hope of having that feeling be reciprocated.

(Yes, I forked out a huge chunks of my savings to please the other person.)

Eventually I got out of that detrimental mindset and became smart enough to walk away. It was a massive lesson for me, one that I admittedly paid a price too high for. Nonetheless, a lesson learnt is a lesson learnt, and it’s one I’m glad I did. I’m glad I learnt that I don’t NEED to cling onto someone else for dear life in pursuit of happiness. I can be happy and content by loving myself first and foremost.

Years later I’ve found myself in a couple of relationships that were based off of mutual understanding and affection, and from those I’ve had some magical, wonderstruck moments I’ll hold near and dear with me till the end of time. And I’m grateful for them, despite the undesirable endings, because they definitely had a part of my faith in finding love restored.

Just this month, I had an interesting encounter with someone who I thought would be an integral source of my happiness for a good amount of time. I kept my hopes up when my confession was favourably responded to. Holding on to that hope alone had my heart fluttering. But as days went by, mutual affection and caring slowly became a one-sided affair. The flame on the other end died down. I realized said affirmative response meant nothing more than a heat-of-the-moment flirtation to woe me. It really didn’t matter at all. I found myself reverting to old habits, constantly putting forth an effort to display my earnestness when it obviously isn’t reciprocated. For quite a while I felt like a fool who was willing to be a fool (again). And I wasn’t okay with that.

As I am writing this, I can’t begin to describe to you how liberating it is to acknowledge that this spark has ended, and that it’s time to press on. I don’t need to make a fool out of myself to capture someone else’s brief attention in vain. It really isn’t worth it.

And even if I do manage to capture it, it still wouldn’t be worth it. ‘Cause if I’m going to be unhappy trying so hard for someone else, I might as well be happy staying alone.

I’m okay with being alone. I’m glad I can finally tell that to myself. I’m genuinely okay with being alone.

I Don't Want To

I sat at the front of the classroom, facing an entire class of Year 3 students, guiding them on their revision.

My eyelids threatened to shut. My body threatened to shut down. Yawn after yawn escaped from my mouth.

I felt so tired.

I thought he would be all right, up and running in no time. Had so much hope for that as I helped spread the word on Facebook. His brother messaged me and said his thanks, and I gave him so much hope that he’d be okay.

I could only sit down with my mouth agape for a good hour as I arrived at school to that piece of news.

I don’t want to have to endure goodbyes that come way too early. But I understand all of us, at some point in life, would have to experience that.

And if that’s the case, I don’t want to forever linger in the dark, cold and gruesome moments that ever existed in the first place. We are so much more than that, so much more so, that confining oneself to a minute space of misery seems horridly ludicrous.

I don’t want to stumble upon you and constantly wonder about your degree of animosity towards me. I don’t want to have to put a label of an enigma, in bold, on you when we’ve once felt compelled to share our deepest, darkest secrets, with no fear of judgment and consequences. I don’t want to ponder about the possibility of facing your deliberate animosity should I ever decide to strike up a simple “hello”. I don’t want to endure your hostility that radiates ever so strongly whenever we’re having a conversation, ESPECIALLY after an emotionally draining day like this. I don’t want to have to feel like a donkey running around the field headless when I have been trying to figure out what my next step is for the past few months. I don’t want to feel as though you’re questioning my every single step forward, so much so that sometimes I wonder if taking three steps backwards would be a better option.

I know you’re brilliant. I know you’re fucking brilliant. You’re an enigma of a superiority that is jaw-dropping. You’re so many things I could never be and my parents would DIE for me to be. I know all of that. And most of the time, I would be okay with that. I’m done with feeling useless. I’m done with feeling inferior. I’m done with looking at you as though I’m a dwarf looking up at a giant, feeling like my presence is redundant and unnecessary.

And you’re probably  definitely going to read this and go “what a wimp” “you’re dumb and useless” or something of the sort.

I’m done. I want to move on. I WANT to move on.

I feel so tired. I don’t want to. I really don't want to.

SPM Results Day: Just Getting Started

I managed to get a decent amount of sleep considering the circumstances that day. As soon as I woke up and it dawned on me it was judgment day, the grogginess disappeared and I instantly felt the butterflies in my stomach.

All the way through getting ready and heading to the car, I kept on moaning and groaning about how the absolute worst scenario might actually play out for real in less than an hour. I’m sure my incoherent self sounded a whole lot like I was constipating, but I swear, it was entirely involuntary.

“Quit being paranoid,” my twin brother said as we got into the car.

“And what do YOU know about the significance of things?” I cussed inwardly.

Frankly, it’s actually kind of hypocritical of me to say/think that, because I’m not sure I entirely do either. All I knew back then, was that I wanted a clean, otherworldly captivating set of results on my results slip…which, if you don’t know, means getting as many A+ as possible.

I had already heard seniors and uncles and aunts saying things along the lines of “it doesn’t matter, you’ve tried your best”, “you will do well for sure, you’re so smart”, “SPM is not THAT important” etc. But NO. I never bothered really taking those advices. No one knows how horrible my sciences are. No one knows that I didn’t actually prepare for SPM as well as I could have. No one knows that my preparations for certain subjects were so inadequate that I actually ended up cramping the only almost the entire Biology syllabus into my brain within TWO NIGHTS. No one knows how hard it is to nab A+ in language subjects. No one knows that I picked a really unconventional topic for my English essay and that alone was a huge risk. If you don’t know all these nitty-gritty, who are you to say I am guaranteed a splendid result?

And I was extremely insecure. So SO insecure, that I actually went and asked a few of my seniors about their SPM results to get an grasp of how things may pan out. I had this senior who I always thought was really intelligent and eloquent, yet he only scored two A+ in SPM. Just let that settle in, and bearing in mind how paranoid I was back in high school, imagine how that prospect absolutely had me in terror.

Hitz FM was on the radio while my mummy and I were on our way to my school (we had dropped off our brother at his own school), and JJ and Ean were recounting their SPM experiences from some time back. They mentioned about their results, and I thought “HOW DO YOU GUYS SURVIVE WITH ONLY 2As or 3As!!!”

We arrived in school and I held onto my mummy for dear life as we made our way to the basketball to retrieve my results slip. I wasn’t the first one there, so some of my classmates had already gotten their results. 9A+, 8A+, 8A+…they were the top students in class, so their results definitely weren’t a surprise. I prayed silently as I queued up, “PLEASE, DON’T let anything horrible happen…”

The prefect on duty handed me my results slip after I signed my name on the name list. This is it, I thought. Everything that I’ve worked for, it all came down to this. I held as my breath as I laid my eyes on it.

To this day, I still didn’t know how I felt exactly at that instant. I do remember comparing my results with some other top boys, and as I heard more and more of them get at least 7A+s, I felt a little numb, then a surge of dejection washing over me.

I saw smiles everywhere. I faked one, too. Photos were being taken every corner of the court. I made it a point to not be in any of them. Mummy was happy with my results, I straight up told her I was ambivalent.

I just wanted to head home and sulk for the rest of the day.

After group photos and a little bit of catching up, we did just that. I remember being on the phone with a senior on our way back, and he was advising me about how I should plan my next step and all. And that’s when it dawned on me.

“What now?”

…………

If you’re reading this and you’re about to get YOUR results, you can choose to hear me out here.

You can feel confident. (What’s wrong with being confident?) You can just say “fuck it, I don’t care anyway” too.

You can also feel paranoid. You can be absolutely terrified of the fruition of a nightmare. You can be horridly afraid, that you forget how to breathe as you inch closer to judgment time. In my case, if you’ve done consistently well over the course of your five years in high school, you should definitely know what it feels like to have that sort of expectation not just from the people around you, but mostly, yourself.

And it’s okay to be stressed out. You’ve worked goddamned hard to endure a grueling period of time to fulfill your obligation as an examination year student. That alone is a commendable feat.

But remember this, no matter how your results turn out to be, IT IS NOT THE END. You won’t get rich and famous if you nab straight A+, and you won’t be labeled as a failure in life if you don’t get any A+ at all. IT IS NOT THE END.

It took me a full year to realize that I wanted a splendid set of results for SPM to boost my own ego, and that SPM at the end of the day, is so insignificant once you’ve moved on to college or university.

Your life doesn’t stop once you get back home after receiving your results. You still have SO FAR ahead of you.

If you’ve done well, congratulations. Otherwise, commiserations. Either way, learn from this, and take that next big step forward to greater things in life. You’re only just getting started.

Good luck. May the mass times acceleration be with you. :)

Decided after I reached home that my results was worthy of a celebratory photo.

SPM 2013: 6A+, 3A, 1A-.

Fizzled Out

How do things fizzle out in a mere couple of days? Feelings, specifically?

There I was thinking you may be it. Until a couple of days later.

Your messages made me happy...for one day. Beyond that, they kept coming, and I found myself feeling increasingly burdened and annoyed.

And it's ridiculous! Horridly ridiculous. Because all of it felt a whole lot like a terrible nightmare.

I do feel bad. I feel like I was somewhat leading you on, only to desperately want to shrug you off like a big dirtbag.

I instantly thought of a line from the prologue from Red that really resonated with me.

"...you saw sparks that weren’t really there, felt stars aligning without having any proof, saw your future before it happened, and then saw it slip away without any warning..."

A spark it was exactly. Only this time wasn't like last time. This lasted less than what felt like a minute.

Maybe I'll find it one day. Maybe I'll come across an ember that ignites and lasts for a good while. One that leaves my heart racing even after what feels like forever.

For now...I'll consider this a lesson learnt.

"Oh hi"

“Oh hi”

You appeared out of nowhere with a greeting so casual and effortless, that it almost seemed intimidating.

This shouldn’t have happened. It was meant to just be a tap on my phone screen, period. Nothing should have entailed as it normally wouldn’t.

But it did. You did.

And my heart is left palpitating with trepidation, a first since a confession that was misinterpreted as platonic admiration.

Which is crazy, because we’re technically miles and miles apart, and none of these would ever materialize. One would be foolish to ever consider the possibility of it materializing.

But one can always hope either.

This may turn out to be merely a phase…but god do I fervently wish it isn’t.

I don’t know what is going to happen. I’m not sure if I want to, either. The questions keep lingering, yet no answers might ever come to them.

I’ll just let go and LET things happen on their own, I guess.

Meanwhile…

Oh…hey. :)

Something Borrowed, Something Blue

We crossed the iconic red bridge, descended the stairs and made it to sandy beach of Pantai Kerachut.

“What time is it?” I inquired as we dropped our bags under the shade.

“Almost ten,” Stinson got his phone out and checked.

Almost ten…we started at about 9.10 a.m. so that would mean…

“Hmm…under 50 minutes…” I uttered matter-of-factly. I was lightly screaming in joy on the inside.

“What, does 56 minutes still hold much significance to you?” my other friend said, jokingly and sarcastically. He knew what it meant.

“What??!! Of course not!”

It wasn’t until a few seconds in, that I started to question the veracity of my instinctual response.

…………

It was technically my first time stepping foot on Pantai Kerachut; we’ve always hiked past it and straight to Teluk Kampi in previous trips. As expected, the sand was great, the water felt great, the view was pretty spectacular too.

Mr. Sarcastic and I were having fun swimming in the ocean when Stinson hollered at us, saying we’d need to head to Teluk Kampi. He’s planning on making a ring out of sand alone, and apparently the sand over at Pantai Kerachut wasn’t pure enough for that.

Both of them wanted to clean up a little before we resumed hiking, so I sat alone under the shade as I waited for them to come back. I took in the marvelous view before me and, not for the first time, allowed myself to be captivated by it. For someone who almost always stays in, I almost never seem to care much for how the sky looked, but boy, the sky was so blue…so beautiful. Funny how it always takes arduous hiking trips for me to actually appreciate the simple things about Mother Nature that are breathtakingly precious.

I looked to my right: two young couples (all four of which I presume are really close friends) were laying on the sand just a few metres from me. They arrived at the beach not long after we did. One of the two couples were busy taking adorable wefies while the other…well, the guy was laying down with his head on his girlfriend’s lap. He was gently caressing her arm while their eyes were locked onto each other, as if it were just the both of them in their tiny universe.

I couldn’t help but smile. I was in a way invading their world but it was just so heartwarming to witness that.

And then I was reminded how not too long ago, I had that as well.

I turned to my left: there was an old couple sitting close to each other too. No caressing, no pictures or any other outward affectionate gestures. They just sat there, enjoying the view of the beach and the cooling sea breeze.

That took ‘heartwarming’ to a whole new level.

I wanted that.

I thought of that agonizing December night, after a tiring day of cold war with my mum, where we held each other tight on that beach. It was cold, but warmth radiated throughout my entire body. I remember how sweet it felt.

I had that. Not too long ago, I had that.

…………..

Soggy, cold noodles really aren’t appetizing, I thought.

We were at Teluk Kampi. Both my friends had already finished lunch and were by the shore. I was alone at the bench eating slowly.

I seized the opportunity and played some music on my phone. You know, the kind of music Mr. Sarcastic strongly disapproves of.

“And I know it’s long gone
And that magic’s not here no more
And I might be okay
But I’m not fine at all”

I was alone at the bench, but it wasn’t until the music played that I actually FELT alone.

I instantly pictured you sitting on the other side of the table. Just you and I, enjoying lunch, reveling in the bliss of each other’s presence. We always talked about how we would one day go on hiking trips like this, and I’ve never forgotten about them. They never materialized, but I could never forget them either.

“You called me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I’m a crumbled up piece of paper lying here
‘Cause I remember it all too well”

And I thought I had been okay with those immaterialized plans. I thought I had being doing a pretty good job moving on. I’d gone on for about a month now without constantly going back to your Twitter feeds just to see if you’d tweeted anything at all about me and get a hint of how you feel about me still. I’d gone on even longer without occasionally revisiting photos of us together. I’d even, for the first time, felt ready to delete them from my computer for good. I genuinely thought I was ready to return every little tiny moment I borrowed from you that stood out like no other.

I should probably reevaluate my progress, to say the least. Selfish, but I think I might need to borrow them for quite another while before I let them go.

“Now you mail back my things
And I walk home alone
It was rare, I was there
I remember it all too well”

…………

I eventually finished my food and joined Mr. Sarcastic in the ocean again as Stinson went in search for pure sand.

I looked up ahead once more. The sky was still mesmerizing in its glorious blue.  The horizon remained spectacular. The view coupled with the blazing sun was again unmistakably beautiful.

If only all things as precious remained as they were, forever and ever.

“HOW ARE YOU?!” I silently shouted in my heart as I sighed.

How are you?

Never Too Cool for School

School reopens tomorrow! I would figure this symbolizes nightmare for most students in the entire country, and very understandably so.

After all, what have we been doing since the end of our last school year? Hanging out with friends, going on vacations, pursuing our interests and hobbies…or if you were lazy, just chillin’ at home (and screwing up your sleeping schedule entirely). And now, to think that the end is nigh, and that tomorrow you will be heading back to school to continue your year-long affair with homework, assignments, teachers, examinations and what not?

Let it out, buddy. I feel you. Let it ALL out.

Like many of you, my fellow juniors, I have been keeping myself quite busy since graduation and the end of examinations last year. I enjoyed my holidays thoroughly, but like tomorrow, all that will have to take the back seat for quite a while, as I, like you, bid farewell to my holidays.

Nope, not going to school. I’m officially starting work tomorrow as an assistant tutor at a daycare centre.

And if you’re wondering how I’m feeling about it, well, ‘terrified’ would be an understatement. (I’ve been told by my teacher to imagine myself in a psychiatric centre.) But I digress…

For many years now, I’ve loathed the idea of heading back to school myself. Getting to see your schoolmates after so long was a pleasant prospect, but school nonetheless was still a wet blanket. Now that I’ve graduated (again…this time for good) though, that wouldn’t be a worry for me anymore.

Do I miss school? Honestly, not really. I don’t miss having need to force myself to sleep and wake up at 5.30a.m. to get ready to catch the school bus. I don’t miss the heaps of homework and assignments high school students need to deal with consistently. I don’t miss teachers that not only do not inspire me, but make it a point to be on every student’s “most hated” list. I don’t miss going to school and studying about subjects that serve no purpose (*cough* moral *cough* education *cough*) and things I have zero interest in. I don’t miss students that are obnoxious, childish, lack substance and seem to enjoy staying that way. I don’t miss preparing and sitting for examinations (or at least, examinations that I know I won’t excel in). Plus a whole lot of other things…

I’ll tell you what I do miss though. I miss genuine friends who are genuine human beings that I genuinely care for. I miss conversing with them about almost everything, from silly happenings and interests to our goals and aspirations. I miss doing impressions of several teachers with a few buddies, much to the amusement of our ‘audience’. I miss being under the tutelage of teachers who not only teach, but also educate and inspire. I miss letting words and phrases flow freely in the form of an essay and having them graded by my teachers to see how I can improve. I miss having the platform to express myself through poetry, debates, public speaking and presentations. I miss the intense preparations with my teammates before competitions. I miss reaping the sweet, succulent fruits of success with them at the end, and realizing that we’ve created memories and forged friendships that we would cherish dearly for the rest of our lives. I miss being appointed to host several major school events and ceremonies. I miss working intensely on projects that I was a part of with my fellow schoolmates and having a blast while keeping busy. I miss venturing into opportunities my school bestowed upon me that have allowed me to expand my horizons. Most of all, I miss JUST being a student and not having need to worry about so much in life.

Very few would proudly proclaim their affinity to schools in this day and age. And that’s perfectly fine. While the prospect of ‘school’ alone may turn more than a few stomachs foul, it’s the moments and experiences in school that truly define the memorable school lives of so many adults. These memories leave them longing to travel back in time just to relive those experiences once more. I for one know that everything I went through in school, primary or secondary, have shaped me into the person I am today. And if anything, I am eternally grateful for that.

So I sincerely hope you bear this in mind as you head back to school in the morning: many exciting (or terrifying, depending on how you see things) experiences await you in this brand new school year. Welcome them with open arms. Embrace them. Enjoy them. Be active. Dare to make mistakes and learn from them. Before you know it, 2016 will fly past you in a blink of an eye. And you’ll find yourself wanting to relive all your memorable moments in school as you inch closer and closer to graduation.

Happy first day (and many days ahead) of schooling! In the words of Taylor Swift, “take a deep breath as you walk through the doors”.